Sunday, April 16, 2006

What the Shit Just Happened?!

Here was today, in a sugar-coated nutshell:

"Good morning kids, it's easter! Pay no attention to that basket full of candy on the table and the brightly colored eggs filled with more candy hidden in plain view throughout the house. You must first sit down and have a healthy breakfast. That's right, have some cereal, milk, maybe a piece of fruit. Okay, go nuts! Find all the candy. Ha-ha, isn't this great? Okay, you can have a piece or two. But not too much! It's almost lunchtime! Okay, lunch is over. Sure, you can have more candy! No, eight malted milk balls are too many. You can have... seven. Uh-oh, it's almost dinner time. Stop eating candy now. Wow, you ate a good dinner! Have some of that chocolate Pooh Bear filled with jellybeans! I'll bet it's yummy. Okay, that's enough. I know you're excited. Must have been all that candy, ha ha. Sure, you can have more tomorrow. Now go to sleep."

What the fuck kind of holiday is this?! I swear, I am as confused as they are on this one. "So wait, Dad... we don't believe in God but we do believe in a magic bunny that leaves us candy and books? Okay, that makes perfect sense to me. Can I have another Cadbury Caramel Filled Egg that's the size of my fist? Thanks!"

I literally can't even focus on what I'm typing here because I am completely blitzed out on Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. My gums are actually hurting. That can't be good.

We colored some eggs today, I vaguely remember that:



The old lady also got these bizarre egg masks that Miss O decided to place on the heads of her 'Calico Critters' figures instead of the eggs. For some reason it reminds me of a really adorable version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre":



I swear, when I wake them up tomorrow morning I know I'm going to find them trapped inside some sort of spun-sugar chrysalis.

I'll end here abrubtly (because I have to go run around the block or something to stop mind from shaking) with a few quotes I overheard from Mr. Z's new bathtub-drama, "Aussies," starring a dingo, platypus, koala, kangaroo and a great-horned lizard:

KOALA: "Crikey, it's a beautiful koala woman! I want to marry it, mates!"

LIZARD: "Will you stop saying mates?!"

KOALA: "I like saying 'mates,' mates!"


[later]

LIZARD: "OW! My lizard anus!"

[still later... calling to me]

MR. Z: "Dad? So, like, while I'm in the bathroom, can I fart as much as I want?"

ME: Go nuts.


TODAY'S PHRASE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HEAR MYSELF UTTER
: "I'll be up there in 30 seconds and you both better be brushing your teeth!"

5 comments:

jello mom said...

I hope you realize how much fun you are really having with your kids. I certainly am.
and then again............not sure I belive one word of it all.

crabbydad said...

Jello Mom, I don't take a second of it for granted. I'm an extremely lucky fella to be able to experience all of this as it's happening, instead of hearing about it secondhand, like a lot of dads unfortunately have to. That being said, sometimes I don't always appreciate every single second of it until i reflect on it, crabbily, at the end of the day.

(And girl, believe every word of it. I couldn't make this shit up.)

Cazzie!!! said...

PMSL....this is so funny!!! I got four rug rats and I have to say, I have had these fun times with my kids like this too.
Will keep updated on your blog, I like it...from the land down under... Cheers Cazzie!!!

Dave said...

I f#*@ing LOVE Reeses peanut butter _____'s (insert current holiday appropriate shapes here).
For some reason I like them even more than the regular cups. Maybe because they totally throw out the scientifically tested peanut butter to chocolate ratio and just give us way more peanut butter! I don't even miss the crimpy sides, a hallmark of the cups. Can't wait until the 4th of July. You can't beat "Reeses Peanut Butter Declaration of Independences' Mmmm. Can't you just totally taste the freedom?

crabbydad said...

I can Dave! Though I'm not a big fan of Reese's Memorial Day Caskets and Urns. (Too dusty.)


And 'Fair Dinkum,' Cazzie! Tie your kangaroo down, girl and welcome! Um... bloomin' onion!