I don't know what's going on today. It started when I dropped Miss O off at school this morning. As she was getting out of the car to walk into school, she said "Bye, Daddy!" and I have to say, I got a little choked up. Yep, a little fermisht in my kishka. I felt like some fucking mom on the WE Network.
And all day I've had this strange wistfulness-cloud hovering over me. When I heard the kids get home, I bolted upstairs and gave them hugs and asked about their days and all that crap. Shit, I was even tempted to bring out "The Chef" for dinner tonight (though I balked at the last second because I couldn't locate the pipe-cleaner moustachio).
It's gotta be some combination of sleep-deprivation, ambivalence about the kids getting older, anticipatory stress about my pending trip and gas from last night's asparagus.
Part of it was brought on because the old lady and I were filling out the forms for the kiddies' summer day camps last night. They're both excited to go, and I'm sure they'll have a great time. I just feel kind of guilty shipping them off every day of the summer so I can keep my precious work day clear. Fucking jobs. I should've been a teacher so I could have the summers off. If only I didn't hate teaching things to other peoples' children so much.
It's definitely the trip, too. I am such a fucking shitty traveler. Especially solo. You'd think it would be a breeze, traveling without the kids but at least when they're around, I can focus my stress externally. When I'm solo, I have plenty of time to sit and think about the plane crashing, having to dump on the plane, missing my connecting flight in Minneapolis -- let me clarify, I didn't mean that I worry about shitting on top of the plane. I should have said "having to take a dump while traveling on the plane." Just had to clear that up.
I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm also actually worried about how I'm going to do my blog entries while I'm gone. How pathetic is that?! And I don't even think they have computers in Bozeman. I'm thinking about trying that "Audioblogger" thing and phoning in my posts (I mean, moreso than I do already... HELLO!). That'll be weird. If you thought this shit was feeble-minded in text form, wait until you hear it in the author's voice. Whew! El stinko. Maybe I'll try a test post before I leave.
I hope they have phones in Montana.
The whole thing is so fucking trite. You want your kids to get older so you can have a little more freedom but you don't want them to grow up because then they're that much closer to being independent and leaving home forever. Maybe if I had them encased in Lucite it would solve all my problems. Yeah, but Lucite's expensive. DAMN!
Oh, why didn't we just get two goldfish like we had originally planned?!