Thursday, August 27, 2009

Better Call Encyclopedia Brown...

The Grovester shits about three times a day -- one or two "on the road," during his walks, and then another couple in the backyard. Until recently, it's been pretty easy to find the ones in the yard and bag 'em up. Usually, I'll see him all hunched over into that I'm-pinchin'-a-big'n, doggy question mark stance but sometimes I miss it and have to go a-huntin'.

In the past week, though, an assload of leaves have started falling into the yard -- brown, curly leaves. I think there must be a B.M. tree nearby 'cuz now everything looks like a fucking turd. Tonight, the Old Lady and I couldn't find his late-night leavings and we were trying to sniff the lil' smokies out.

That's when I came up with my idea for a dogshit-locating detective show. Each week, the private dick would show up at a different yard and try to hunt down the missing dumps.

Okay, it's a shitty idea, but it gave me an opportunity to come up with some half-assed, dogshit-related detective show puns, so indulge me.

Here are the potential show names, so far...

Turder She Wrote
The Rockford Piles (or as Mr. Z amended, The Rockfart Piles)
Barna-B.M. Jones
Poo-lice Story
Hill Street Poos
Homicide: Turd on the Street
Nancy Poo (Miss O came up with that one)

and my favorite, Magnum P.U., starring Tom Smellit.

Holy shit, I think the fumes have gotten to me. I need to wash my hands and get some sleep.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just Call Me Hairy Howldini...

I think I know what my next job is gonna be... Dog Magician!


Alas, my delusions of animal magician stardom have already been coopted by the Japanese...

One Dog, No Cup...

I hit some sort of dog-owner milestone today.

I pulled a clump of shit-caked, long grass strands outta the dog's asshole after he hunched and strained all over the backyard for about five minutes trying to pinch the motherfucker off.

From this day forth, please greet me by shaking my left hand.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Right Back at Ya...

I've gotten my second comment from 家出, in as many days...


I ran it through an online Kanji translator and this is what I got...

"Net cafe in nationwide various places etc. stay and are written a lot of messages of the walking runaway girl in the leaving home bulletin board introduced with various media recently. It seems to go to play at once with the man who got acquainted on the bulletin board because they do not have money. Will you also return writing the answer?"

All I have to say is, Walking Runaway Girl -- do NOT got to play at once with the man who got acquainted on the bulletin board! Not only do he not have money, but I'm guessing he got acquainted on bulletin board with many walking runaway girls in nationwide various places. Please, do not return writing the answer... him. Stay away from leaving home bulletin board and various media.

Trust me, you'll thank me later.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Non-Dog post...

Conversation this morning, as I dropped Miss O off at camp:

ME: [after spraying her with bug spray] Okay, don't forget to put more on in the afternoon.

MISS O: Who are you calling a moron?!

My work is complete.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Ghost Chicken and Mr. Grover...

The Grovernator hasn't been drinking as much water, lately, as we think he should -- especially since it has been so fucking hot and humid that my fucking Balzac has been hanging to the ground like a leatherette kilt. He seems to dig ice cubes but he's not lappin' up the agua fria very much.

So, the Old Lady found some dog forum on the ingernachts that suggested:

You can get your dog to drink more water by adding low sodium chicken broth to it to enhance the flavor.

Not a bad idea, actually. So we poured a little chicken water in there and this is what happened:

We're guessing he smelled the chicken and was just searching around for the goddamn hunka meat. It went on for about 10 minutes... until all the chicken squeezins were splashed all over the kitchen floor. The whole house smells like a fucking poultry bathhouse now.

The dude's either brilliant or he's a fucking dumbass... I can't tell. We'll see what happens tomorrow when I dip the end of his tail in some Clamato.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Losing My Dognity...

5 Things I never thought I'd do before owning getting a dog:

A. Put a dog turd in the refrigerator.

2. Lather up a doggy dick.

3. Pay over $700 in two days for 2 pet hospital visits.

C. Pull a dingleberry off of a canine bung-hole.

5. Walk around the neighborhood with a purple bag of shit in my hand.

[Okay, I had done three of those before owning a dog, but they were done recreationally, not out of obligation.]

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I Almost Stepped in a Poodle...

So, whatta you do when you have to take your dog out to shit and there's a fucking thunderstorm raging outside?

Fuck if I know, I'm asking you.

Well, I didn't want the Grovester to drop a steaming deuce in the house, so I grabbed the umbrella and out we went. There's was actually a momentary break in the downpour, so I figured we could get in a quick trot around the block, he could pinch off a dugan, and we could get back home without getting drenched.

Yeah, right.

We got about halfway around the block and the fucking sky opened up like god's sphincter and just doused us with his holy ass water. The umbrella was fucking worthless. I figured if I could just get the dog to the little strip of grass in front of the big fancy house where I always get him to dump, we'd be able to book home and not be completely douched.

So, just as we get there and Grover is squatting down to lay some puppy pipe, a fucking elephant-sized ball of white-hot, blinding lightning exploded, literally, like a sac hair away from my face. I swear to shit, I thought I was dead. I not only pissed my pants, I pissed Grover's pants, too.

The dog's asshole slammed shut like a snapping turtle on a pinkie toe and he fucking bolted down the street, dragging me behind him. We started racing toward home like the two of the Three Stooges being chased by a gorilla (I was Moe and Grover was... let's say Shemp). We got about halfway down the block and I had to stop -- I had a fucking cramp and I didn't care if I was gonna get zapped. I couldn't run anymore.

(And by the way, thanks for nothin', swimming. I think I'm in shape from all these fucking laps I do and then I run half a block and almost pass out. Stupid water.)

Anywhich, we finally made it home without getting kilted and we went inside. Of course, now Grover was soaked and he smelled like a pile of inside-out rectums wrapped in asparagus-pee-soaked wool,army-surplus blankets. But he wasn't dead, so that was a bonus.

And there you go -- we made it a whole week and the dog's still alive. Pretty excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a dog to clean.

They can go in the washing machine, right?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

What the Shit? Gland...

Here's something I learned today from the (I added a few of my thoughts while reading)...

For Die-Hard Do-It-Yourself Types

Many breeders and owners feel capable of expressing their dog's anal glands themselves. They're dicks. However, one should be prepared for the anal gland secretions to appear and smell quite disgusting. Seriously?! That surprises me. If you feel this is a task you are willing to perform, here are some basic directions. Please be advised, that you should only perform this procedure on your own dogs and never someone else's. Because the bible says, "Thou shalt not express thy neighbors' dog's ass sacs."

1. Prepare a warm moist washcloth.
1b. Shove moist washcloth up dog's "bung."
2. Locate your dog's anal glands by raising his tail and using your other hand to feel for two lumps at approximately five and seven o'clock on either side of his anal opening. Whatever you do, don't feel at "midnight." This is known as a "rusty dogbone."
3. Holding the cloth over his anal opening to prevent an unpleasant squirt (You mean like that Jonathan Lipnicki kid?), begin applying firm but gentle pressure to the sacs (which is what he said). This should cause some of the fluid to be expelled through the rectal opening, thereby emptying the glands. Some people call this "shitting." Wipe your dog's behind clean, and the job should be finished. As should be any shred of self-respect you had left.

If you notice blood or pus in your dog's anal gland secretions you should probably get yourself a hobby. It is likely a sign of infection, and you should contact your vet for an appointment and treatment. But it's a good idea to wash your hands before making the call.


A) Who knew dogs had fucking "anal glands."

2) Who knew said fucking anal glands might some day need "expressing."

iii) I ain't expressing no fucking anal glands.

We couldn't have just gotten some fish...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Dog Day of Summer Deux...

Actual conversations I had with Grover today...

ME: [grating Parmigiano Reggiano] This is CHEESE Grover. CHEEEEESE.


ME: Tell you what. If you can say "Cheese," you can have a hunk.


ME: Nope. No cheese for you.


ME: [6 AM, standing outside in my robe, waiting for Grover to pee...] Are you gonna go potty?

GROVER: [not going potty]

ME: C'mon! You wake me up at 6 AM and you're not gonna pee?! Just piss, okay?

GROVER: [pees about a thimble-ful of whizz]

ME: You win this round, my scruffy friend. But don't come running to me when you have a dried turd affixed to your ass hair.

GROVER: [sneeze]


ME: [throwing frisbee in backyard] GO GET THE FRISBEE, GROVER!

GROVER: ... fuck off.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Dog Day of Summer...

Apparently, I was just not crabby enough. Apparently, I needed less sleep, less money, less time to myself and assloads more frustration.

Apparently, I needed a dog.

So, we drove down to the Toledo area yesterday and came home with Grover, rescued mutt extraordinaire.

His full name, according to his genealogist, Mr. Z, is Sir H. Grosvner Scruffington of the Barkshires. His given name is "Gordon." I actually thought that name was fucking hilarious for a dog. I love human names on dogs. Like Chuck. Or Kevin.

But I was the only one in the crabbshack who liked Gordon, so we had to find something we all agreed on. Stupid democracy. The Old Lady went with the nerdily obvious "Albus."

Fuck no. Like we're not already big enough nerdarinos.

We eventually decided on another "G" name, so as not to confuse the pup. Or course, Mr. Z and Miss O came up with the unusable "Goopula." Then I thought, "Why not just switch the letters around a bit. No use wasting some perfectly good letters."

ME: What about "Grodon"?

MISS O: [laughing, secretly]

MR. Z: What's so funny?

MISS O: Nothing.

ME: No, really. Why is Grodon funny?

MISS O: Isn't that the 'thing' on boys?

MR. Z: [laughing hysterically] NO! That's "scrotum"!

So, he's Grover.

This is gonna be ruff...