Monday, April 03, 2006

All Right, Who Snorkeled in the Pool?!

I finally got to swim again yesterday. It had been a week. I think the lack of consistency only enhances my crabbitude. I've got to try to get there more often.

So, I start my laps and it's going pretty well. But by about lap 20, I pause at the wall for a short breather because, well, basically I'm having a mild infarction or two. I glance over at the lane next to mine and I see an elderly gentleman resting with his head against the wall. Seems like a nice enough fellow, but there's a small problem.

He's got an undulating, bright green boogersnot dangling from his nose, threatening to unload into the drink. I look away instantly and do a stealth internal dry heave. I'm thinking, "Damn, Gramps. You've got a major loogenoid hanging from your schnoz there and, from the looks of it, you might also have a serious sinus infection going on, to boot."

Of course, I can't help myself. I glance back and he's still there, chillin' and grillin'. But now, his snot moustachio is gone! Disappeared! Vanished!

Which means just one thing -- it's now floating around somewhere in the pool, only one lane away! And I've still got like 20 laps to go. FLECCHHH -- it's giving me the willies again just thinking about it.

That's the major drawback of swimming. Sure, it's relaxing, womb-like, great cardio, easy on the old skeletal system. The only problem is, you're basically floating around in warm pee-booger-assy-effluvia stew. It's like swimming in a toilet bowl. No, worse. It's like swimming in Ernest Borgnine's toilet bowl. On chimichanga night.

I used to bum out because the chlorine always dried out my skin and made me all itchy. But after this episode, I hope it's all chlorine. Fuck the water. I want it to burn when I dip my toe in there. I want it so chlorine-y that when a booger hits the surface, it vaporizes and turns into a green, wispy vapor. If some kid lays a turd in there, I want it to start bubbling like a jacuzzi until that bolus turn into a fart. I don't want to have to wend my way through underwater forests of snot seaweed. I want to look out of my goggles at crystal-clear nothingness.

I've gotta get me one of those endless pools they advertise in the back of the NY Times magazine. That would be awesome. Then I could swim whenever I want. In my own filth.

But until that day, I'll be swimming at the Y in this:


Brian said...

Oh god... but that guys not wearing any gloves!!!!!! The horror!

crabbydad said...

No, he's not, but those are prosthetic hands. My real hands are wrapped in antibiotic gauze and slipped inside the prostheses. Can't be too safe, you know.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so how much would it take for you to drink 8 ounces of said pool water with said loogey suspended right in the middle of it? And you have to keep it down for at least 5 minutes.

crabbydad said...

Apparently, it would take me about 40 bucks a month. That's the price of my Y membership and 8 ounces is about the amount of loogie-poopie water I ingest during an average visit.