Friday, November 18, 2005

Polly F-ing Pockets

Whoever invented Polly Pockets* should be throttled. What kind of jackass invents a doll (and I'm being generous calling this dwarfen hunk of plastic a "doll") that stands under three inches tall and has clothes the size of a chiclet.

When I grew up, dolls had some height to them. G.I. Joe? He was like a foot tall, easily. And he had life-like hair, not the painted-on 'do like Ms. Pockets. Even Barbie had some verticality. Granted, she was always standing on her tip-toes but that made her calves look nice AND it allowed her and Mr. Joe to easily makeout without the use of stilts. I mean, if G.I. Joe and Polly Pocket made out (and I'm not sure about Polly's age, so this is purely a hypothetical), it would look like a page out of the Guinness Book of Records -- right next to that Whizzo dude with the curly fingernails. Polly would maybe come up to the knife that Joe always had strapped to his leg. ( You know, the one he battles the shark with.) Maybe that's all part of Polly's master plan -- to snatch Joe's blade when he's not looking and then shiv him in the kneecap.

And the clothes? Joe and Barbie had their duds fashioned from, strange as it may seem, fabric. I remember Joe had this orange jumpsuit with a working zipper on it. That was awesome. Total Devo. But the clever gang in Pocketville decided it might be fun to craft all Polly's clothes out of... rubber. Are you kidding me?! Have you ever tried to pull a tiny, rubber Deep-V Smocked Waist top over a miniscule head and arms the size of a bean and two chow-mein noodles? It ain't easy. And forget about the shoes. "What's that, honey? You want me to help put Polly's pink slingbacks on her two millimeter-long feet? No problem. Here, let me get my fucking electron microscope."

I swear to god, I'm about two days away from sucking up all of Pollyland in a fevered vacuuming rampage.

*(I'm not sure if it's actually Polly Pockets or Polly Pocket. Does she have just the one pocket? Or am I pulling the old 'midwest plural,' by adding the superfluous "s," as in, "Honey, I'm going over by the Kroger(s) to pick up a coupla cases of sausages." I don't know. The doll still pisses me off.)