Friday, April 28, 2006

It Was Nice Knowin' Ya...

Well, I'm off to Bozeman tomorrow. I've packed my toothbrush, a change of nappies and my assless chaps, so I guess I'm ready to go. Hopefully, I'll be able to post something while I'm away, whether audio or text, I know not. I'll be sure to pet a cow for you. And that may, or may not, be a euphemism. I'll soon find out.

I will leave you with yesterday's trip to Miss O's dentist appointment. She and I were on our way, driving through some major farty cattle, farmy wasteland to get there. It was a great day, so I had the windows down and was playing 'Bobby Buttons' with the radio, trying to find the perfect soundtrack for our excursion.

The radio stopped on a classic rock station that was playing "Devil Went Down to Georgia," by the Charlie Daniels Band. Of course, I did what I always do when I hear that classic -- I changed the station. But Miss O shouted out, "DAD! PUT THAT BACK!"

Okay. It's music and she seemed to want to hear it, so I put it back. And, I CRANKED IT WAY THE FUCK UP!

Well, I sat through the whole sordid ordeal, all 48 or so minutes of it, complete with Charlie's unbelievably out of tune violin (seriously, he didn't have five minutes to tune that thing?! What the shit, Chuck?!). When it finally ended, I turned down the station and asked, "Well? What did you think?"

Miss O enthusiastically replied, "That was a great story!"

And, it really was. The devil shows up with a golden violin and challenges a porcine, bearded, out-of-tune fiddler to a bow-off. Even though the devil rocks the house, the challenger only needs his fingernails-on-a-chalkboard fiddle playing and a bunch of hayseed background singers to pull out the victory. It's basically "Rocky" but with the Devil and some mouth-breathing moron... it's basically "Rocky."

And I have to say that Miss O did a phenomenal job at the dentist. They did x-rays, cleaned the crap out of her little Chiclet teeth and even did that fluoride rinse shit that makes you dry-barf. Pretty fucking impressive for a four year old, I must say. She truly earned the one-cent piece of crap plastic toy they gave her from the treasure box. Cheap dental bastards.

And there you have it. I guess I've gotta prepare to white-knuckle it to Montana tomorrow. I'll prepare by not eating anything tonight, and then, for breakfast, I'll dump a bunch of green tea into my empty colon along with a Bonine, three or four Advil, some Citrucel, maybe a couple of Immodiums and I'll top it off with a Prevacid. Wow, I'm full just thinking about it! Mmmmmmm!

Okay then. I'm going. Yep, that's it. I'm going to leave my basement. Then my house. I mean it. I'm not coming back for a full 84 hours or so. Seriously. I'm actually going on a vacation. I'm not jokin' around...

Really, I don't have to go if you don't want me to. I can cancel my flight. Sure, the tickets are non-refundable, but if you really need me to stay, I will. What's that, Bloggy? You want me to go? Fine! Fuck you, I'm outta here!

No, really. I can still cancel...


Dave said...

Have a great trip, Crabby! We'll miss your eerily disembodied mug in the office.

Brian said...

Aren't chaps, by nature, assless? If they had "asses," wouldn't they just be leather pants? Anywhoo, have a great trip, Chocky. And remember what Jack 'Curly' Palance said: "I crap bigger'n you."

Cazzie!!! said...

Hope your trip is JUST FINE, return with some great stories OK?
Cheers Cazzie!!!