Something's Very Wrong with This Mitten

I haven't lived in Michigan long enough to really understand what it means to be a "Michigander." I do know, however, that it has something to do with actively displaying your hatred of U of M (either via your vehicle or your front lawn) and listening to a shitload of Bob Seger and Ted Nugent on the radio. These people here love the Seeg and the Nuge. If you listen to one of the many "classic rock" stations out here (and hey fucker, you better!) you literally hear a Seger song at LEAST once and hour and some Nugent probably once every two or three.



Usually, it's the standards: for Seger you've got your "Old Time Rock & Roll," "Against the Wind," "Night Moves," and "Turn the Page," among many other timeless melodies. For the Nuge, you're dealing with a smaller pool: "Free-for-All," "Stranglehold" (all nine hours of it), "Dog Eat Dog," and the occasional "Stormtroopin'" (another seven or so hours).

Yesterday, though, I heard "Wango Tango." Wango fucking Tango. That's going too far. I never really listened to the song until I heard it on the radio. Now, I know Mr. Nugent is a bit... odd. The ultra-conservative bow hunting and the kids' camp and the "I've never done drugs" and he does suffer from a bad case of 'Cat Scratch Fever' that he caught from some kitty next-door. But here are some of the lyrics from "Wango Tango":

You take her right ankle out
You take her left ankle out
You get her belly propped down
You get her butt propped up
Yeah lookin' good now baby
I think you're in the right position now baby
Yeah but if you ain't quite ready I'll make sure everything is a little bit nicer 'cos
I'm gonna get a little talcum
I'm gonna borrow it from Malcolm
Yeah you look so good baby I'm startin to drool all over myself
I got the droolin', droolin', get all wet, salivate, salivate
I got salivate late, salivate late, salivate late
Got salivate, salivate, salivate, salivate, heh heh heh
Yeah you look so good baby, I like it, I like it, I like it
You know what I been talkin' about honey
It's a nice dance, we gotta a nice dance goin' here
Now what you gotta do, I'll tell you what you gotta do
You got to pretend your face is a Maserati
It's a Maserati
It's a Maserati
It's a gettin' hotty
It's a Maserati, Maserati, Maserati
It's a fast one too man, that thing's turbocharged
You feel like a little fuel injection honey?
I'll tell ya about it, I'll tell you about it
I'll check out the hood scoop
I gotta get that hood scoop off, shine and shine and buff
I gotta buff it up, buff it up, buff it up, buff it up, buff it up,
Yeah, shiny now baby, heh heh heh
You've been drivin' all night long
It's time to put the old Maserati away
So you look for a garage, you think you see a garage
Wait a minute, Hey!, there's one up ahead
And the damn thing's open
Hello! Get in there!

Wh... whuh?! What the fuck is that?! I mean, it starts out in classic Nuge form, what with the woman there and him being horribly demeaning and frighteningly misogynistic and all, but then, wait a minute. The Maserati thing? Buffing the hood scoop? He takes this bizarre turn and I'm pretty sure he's no longer speaking metaphorically. He's perseverating on his car and he's genuinely getting worked up about finding a garage for it. He's got to get his Maserati under cover, and soon! This song may be the actual point when Mr. Nugent went from 'Motor City Madman' to 'Motor City Paranoid Schizophrenic.'

Oh, and did I mention that Miss O and Mr. Z were in the car while this was playing?! Thank god they were arguing with each other about something because I don't think I could've explained this one away.

"Well, kids, this man has a fancy car and he really needs to clean it up and find a garage for it quickly."

"What's that? Yes, it does seem like he has a problem with his saliva. Perhaps he's suffering from Bell's Palsy. He may have been borrowing that talcum from Malcolm to help soak up some of his saliva. Yes, I know, he does seem to be concerned about that garage. Anyway, let's change the station."

I can't believe I actually saw Nugent in concert... twice... when I was in my early teens. And my parents let me go. "What's that? A man in a loin cloth is playing in downtown Chicago? He rides a buffalo onstage? And he has a song called 'Wang Dang Sweet Poontang? Well, have fun dear."

Oh, and I just went to Ted's website to get a picture for this post. His new tagline is "Full Bluntal Nugity." There's Michigan's new motto. "Michigan: Full Bluntal Nugity... and Seegity."