Sunday, March 12, 2006

Look, I Just Want a Haircut

So I got a haircut yesterday. One of the guys at work was talking in his blog about how conversation with the stylist can be really awkward, but for me there's something way more awkward.

My 'stylist,' Faith, starts out by giving me a little scalp/neck/shoulder massage thing with some oily shit on her hands. It's nice of her, even though I would enjoy it much more if she put some effort into it. But that's beside the point. The problem I have is, I'd probably relax more if I closed my eyes while she massaged. But I feel that by doing that, it would get exponentially more creepy for her. I mean, here's a woman who I see maybe every four months, I sit down in a chair and she starts massaging my scalp. I feel that the minute I close my eyes, it goes from "Faith, I appreciate the mandatory scalp massage you are forced to perform on all of your clients" to "Faith, I am totally getting off on this massage and I, with my eyes closed, am engaging in an unspeakable fantasy, starring you, that you would no doubt find repulsive."

I have the same problem when she shampoos my hair. I love getting my hair washed because, frankly, it feels great. (I wish I had one of those hair-wash, cutout sink thingies at home so I could get the old lady to wash my hair every now and then. Although she'd never go for it, so never mind.) Anyway, these shampoos would feel even better if I closed my eyes and relaxed. But I sit there like a freak, staring up into the blinding halogen lighting, burning out my retinas, because I know that the minute I close my eyes, she's gonna think, "Ew."

So instead of the stylist thinking, "This guy is such a creep! He's totally getting off on me washing his hair!" she's thinking, "This guy is such a creep! He's staring at the ceiling like some kind of zombie moron!" So I'm a creep either way -- why can't I just close my eyes and revel in my creepiness?

Am I the only guy who thinks this way? Why do I think this way? All the other guys getting massages/shampoos before me close their eyes. Are their stylists repulsed by them? Probably.

Strangely, I don't have this problem when I go in for an actual massage. Hell, I practically fell asleep last time I got one (which I think was about five years ago). But I guess in that case, I'm actually paying for the service of a massage. It's not like I'm going in to get a massage and they trim my sideburns up first, just to get me in the mood. I don't know... it doesn't really make any sense.

Another disturbing thing I noticed at the salon -- my eyebrows are getting really light. It's weird. I almost look like a burn victim or something. It's the first time I looked in the mirror and thought, "Shit, I look old." Can eyebrows be darkened? Do they do that? More importantly, do guys do that? Or would that just make me look like Groucho Marx. Or even worse, Joe Franklin. Maybe there's some sort of Eyebrow Merkin kit I can purchase. I'll have to check my Lillian Vernon catalog.

No wonder I wait four months between haircuts. The whole thing is way too stressful.

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