Friday, March 10, 2006

Five Across Your Lip!

So, today was the First Annual Wear-Your-Moustache-to-Work Day at Jellyvision. I have to say that I feel as though I missed out a bit of the hirsute-pursuit as a telecommuter. I could only really see the entrants' 'staches if they came up close to the television camera, but it was still enjoyable.

I went for the classic "handlebar" but with a twist. I added what I call "tailpipes" for a net effect that I've dubbed the "bars and pipes":

Look at that badass lip-pursing going on. When you wear a moustache such as this, you need badass lip-pursing at all times to tell the world, "I'm badass and I purse my lips... at YOU!" I think this style can alternatively be known as the "What are You Looking At?!" But then again, can't all moustaches? I've been unconsciously stroking the 'bars and pipes' all day and it repulses and soothes me at once.

When the kids got home from school, they rushed down to the basement to see my creation. Mr. Z said, "Eh... you don't even look like you." Miss O simply cried "AHHHHH!" and ran back up the stairs. I don't blame her. I never realized how easily facial hair can make one feel like a giant asshole.

Tonight I will enjoy the progressive shearing of the 'stache, pausing after each alteration to rush into the bedroom and ask the old lady, "Would you have ever dated me if I looked like this?" Ah, I love that game. I'll end with the classic Chaplin/Hitler and then go back to my life as nekkid-lipper. But the memories will last a lifetime. As will the acne, that will most likely sprout in a day or two.

As far as who won the contest at work? I'd have to say it's a split between Arnie, who excelled in the fullness department (you could hide a roll of nickels in that thing) and Gabe, with his "Ditka." Gabe was born to wear the Ditka. I'm sure it even smelled like pork chops. As far as the "full package" award, I'd have to give it to Allard. He had the Terry Thomas 'stache with a suit and a FEZ! He looked like "Morocco Mole" from the old "Secret Squirrel" cartoons:

But with a moustache.

Oh well, that's what I was looking forward to for a week. Growing a moustache. Actually, to be technically correct, I "grew" a beard and then 'carved' the beard away until I was left with the moustache. Kind of like Michaelangelo subtracting hunks of marble until he was left with the "David." Only the David had a gigantic penis.

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