Sunday, March 26, 2006

And I'll Never Eat Turkey Again

Miss O and I went to the grocery store today because a) we needed some lunchy foodstuffs for the upcoming week and 2) for some reason we can't go two days without dropping a goddam hondo at the Kroger. I don't know where this food goes but fuck, we eat a shitload of it. I think one of the kids is hiding loaves of bread and bags of apples in their closet or something. I'm afraid to actually keep track of how much cash we drop at that place because I'd probably shit my drawers. And we don't even eat meat. I can't imagine what we'd be spending if we added a couple of skirt steaks into the mix.

Anyway, we stopped at the deli counter to get some turkey lunchmeat because, for some unknown reason, Miss O will now eat rolled up turkey slices in her lunch (this week) but she refuses to eat just about everything else (peanut butter, jelly, cheese, applesauce, chicken salad, whatever). She drives me bananas (which she also won't eat, by the way). Well, there's this woman who works behind the counter who has these nasty gums that just freak the shit out of me. You know how some people are just really "gummy." Like they've got this wall of gums and then these little Chiclet teeth hanging off the bottom. That's her. But she adds a nauseatingly new twist to her gummitude. Her gums (and I'd stop using the word "gums" but there doesn't seem to be a proper synonym) are this really bright rose-coral/pink color, kinda like they're running on batteries or something. They completely disgust me but, at the same time, I can't look away. They're disgusting and fascinating. They're fasgustinating.

So, I ask for a half-pound of the turkey and she slices off a piece and hands it to me, saying, "Here, have a slice." I was waiting for her to add, "... of my GUMS!" Of course, I couldn't refuse it. I feebly accepted the cold, fleshy meat and forced it into my quivering maw. As I chewed, all I could think of was, "I am eating her gums... please kill me." I only managed to eat half and I gave the other half to Miss O. She wolfed it down and said, "Yummy! I love turkey!" I felt like saying, "THAT'S NOT TURKEY! THAT'S THE LADY'S GUMS! SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

We got our lunchmeat and bolted but the image of those gummy choppers is going to stay with me for awhile. Hoowah! Them's some nasty gums!


Arnie said...

Thanks for ruining turkey for me too.

crabbydad said...

And don't even get me STARTED on ham.