Enough with the fucking homework, grade school teachers, okay?! Jeez-ass! Look, I get it -- by sending work home, you're showing us skeptical parents that you're crackin' the ol' whip and really learnin' the spawnage some fancy knowledge. But spread it the fuck out a little, will ya? Holy duckballs, it's like a fucking Stanley Kaplan review session every night, here at the Crabshack.
Miss O's workload, I can handle. One math worksheet a week, maybe the odd drawing, some spelling words and even an occasional project. Fine. Mr. Z's teacher, however, is some kinda homework-hitler. The boy's got a coupla paragraphs for spelling due on Friday, a Social Studies test on Friday, a fucking Science project about magnets and motors and shit due... ON FRIDAY, and he's gotta write, create and perfect a puppet-show-book-report to be performed next Wednesday. I don't think I did that much work in a month... in college!
Granted, the science project was apparently assigned before Spring Break, but it somehow slipped Mr. Z's mind, so instead of casually assembling the thing over a leisurely two-week period, we've basically got to slap together some sort of nuclear fission accelerator in the next three fucking days. And the assignment sheet was completely vague -- make something with magnets or a motor or circuits or lights that illustrates the concepts they've been studying in class.
ME: So, what have you been learning about these things in class, Mr. Z?
MR. Z: Uh... I'm not sure.
Perfect. Then let's connect a bunch of circuits to a giant electromagnetic motor that illuminates a bunch of little lights that spells out, "I'm Not Sure." And then I'll help you take it into class on Friday, where I'll carefully set it on your teacher's desk and then proceed to drop my pants and take a steaming dump on it. Whattya say?!
And of course I won't allow him to do anything half-assed (see past project 1 and past project 2). So, we've decided to create something simple -- a working, mini-model of a MAGLEV train. And yes, I am insane, thank you very much.
ME: Hey Mr. Z! I have an idea -- let's make a working model of a LEVITATING MAGNETIC TRAIN!
MR. Z: Cool! How do we do that?
ME: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!
All I know is that, instead of a leisurely breakfast, a big mug-o-coffee and the New York Times tomorrow morning, I'll be shuffling up and down the aisles of Hobby Lobby looking for shitloads of magnets, some foam core, a coupla boards and some plexiglass, to recreate in three days what it probably took the Chinese five years and over a billion dollars to complete. Should be no problem.
Of course, if we fail miserably, there's always the magnetic levitation Plan B...