Sunday, April 27, 2008

Dad, Why Is Teddy Bare?

So, Mr. Z used to have a subscription to Neopets magazine -- the one-stop periodical for all your over-priced, shittily illustrated, anime trading card needs. Well, apparently, he was the only one who still gave a rat's dingus about Neopets, 'cuz we received a letter saying that they were discontinuing the magazine.

Not to worry, however, as they were substituting it with "Plushie Pals" magazine. That's right, I said "Plushie Pals." The periodical for both the young children who collect, and the sick-fuck grown-ups who dry hump, stuffed animals. I sure hope they don't cancel this magazine, 'cuz I'm pretty sure the next one's gonna be "Coprophilia Cuddlers."

Anywhich, Mr. Z and Miss O are obsessed with this rag. They pore over it day and night, making lists of which ones are the cutest, the rarest and which ones they're going to badger the Old Lady and I into purchasing next. The pages are filled with thousands of these fucking glorified beanbags, and the spawnage know the names, stats and value of every fucking one. They're like stuffed-animal Rain Men, these two.

So, on Friday, the new issue showed up and they both started flipping through it furiously. Apparently, they had each sent in a description of their favorite Webkinz and were hoping that their submissions were going to make it into the issue. And, wouldn'tcha know it, they did.

Here's Mr. Z's page for his penguin "Chillee":

Unfortunately, they fucked up Miss O's submission, I guess, and she was inconsolable. Apparently, they added the word "daughter" into her description, for some reason, and she was fucking pissed. (I actually had to clean the image up in Photoshop, because she scribbled out the word with magic marker):

I guess I'm just kind of disturbed that I had no idea they had sent anything in to the magazine, and only found out about it when I saw it in print. Maybe it's the fact that they got published in "Plushie Pals" magazine that really bothers me. Or maybe it's the thought of some hairy, overweight 40 year old man reading their submissions while lying naked on a bed of soiled stuffed animals and committing brazen frottage on an unwitting Winnie-the-Pooh that really disturbs me. Yeah... that's what really disturbs me.

Why can't they read normal magazines like I did as a kid... like Creepy, Eerie and Vampirella?


PG said...

ooooh, the pegasus is rare? we have one. maybe I can make a mint and sell the bastid thing!!

And crongrats on being a granddad!!

crabbydad said...

PG, be careful playing the Webkinz market -- she's a fickle mistress. One day you're up, the next day you're stuck with 500 Ms. Birdy futures, with nary a buyer.

And I am choosing to ignore the granddad comment, and all its implications.

Jasper Mockingbard said...

It all seems very alien to me- and a waste of time and money. Why not read something fun and educational like Ranger Rick or Highlights? The old Goofus and Gallant cartoons are classic!

nora said...

Ugggh. Do you remember the Vanity Fair article six or seven years ago about the people who really really like stuffed animals and peole who dress like stuffed animals? I don't know why I found that so totally horrifing.
Now whenever I see an adult with a load of plush animals in their back window I get totally skeeved out.
I gotta go wash my hands.

dylan555 said...

Are plushies the ones who like stuffed animals or the ones who dress up like stuffed animals? I have to now google this which will likely put me on some sort of government watch list.