Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Most people are fortunate enough not to be aware of the exact moment when they pass from free-thinking, semi-alternative, aging hipster to "one-of-those-parents." I, unfortunately, am not so lucky. You are about to experience my sad, sad downfall... now.

Mr. Z came home today with a large envelope with the phrase "Fall Fundraiser" stamped across its front. Now, he's brought these things home over the last couple of years, and they've always gone straight to the recycling bag. This year, however, the boy has decided that he is not only going to participate in the fundraiser, he is going to sell more worthless crap than any other student in the history of the school.

I know Mr. Z, and when he gets something into that over-sized noggin of his, well, he can be pretty formidable. But there's no fucking way I'm going to walk around the neighborhood with him, door-to-goddamn-door, and watch him try to sell wrapping paper and chocolates to the neighbors. It ain't gonna fucking happen. And I can guarantee that the Old Lady's not going to do it.

So, I looked this Innisbrook company up online and, sure enough, these assheads make it very easy for an underage workforce to do their evil bidding on the innernecks.

You see where I'm going with this now, don't you? [head droops in shame]

Look, no pressure. I told him I would ask, but I also told him not to get his hopes up. (Holy fuck, I feel so dirty right now.) Here goes: if you happen to find yourself in need of, say, wrapping paper, or chocolate-covered Oreos, or a subscription to Sports Illustrated or Food & Wine, or even a fucking box of assorted bath salts, perhaps you might help an enterprising young spazmo realize his dream of winning "some-shitty-prize-that'll-end-up-unused-in-a-

And you can help that enterprising young spazmo here:

Help Mr. Z Win a Shitload of Crap!

Shit, I hate myself. So, yeah, if you buy anything off of that link, he gets credit for it and his school will make a little money and you'll get your shit mailed to you and I'll never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

There, I did it.

Now I might as well just shave my fucking head, buy some pleated khakis, pick up the latest Dave Matthews cd, grow a goatee, go buy a minivan, order a cellphone with a camera in it, and then sit in a cloud of self-hatred on some leather couch as I laugh/cry my pathetic ass off to an episode of "According to Jim."

Someone shoot me.


nora said...

I have to tell you it is a different perspective as a customer than as a parent.
I’m thrilled to support school fundraising. The first year the neighbor kids swarmed my house, I tried to write them all a $5 check for the school.
No one knew what to do with the checks and the kids didn’t have the satisfaction of delivering the product and bragging to their friends.
So now, I spend the identical amount of money with each kid and use the crap I buy for volunteer prizes and silent auction baskets.
Ralph said it best:
I’m off to buy a hot pad or something from Mr. Z.

nora said...

Nothing happened when I clicked on the "continue to shop" button.

crabbydad said...

First off, Nora, I'm nominating you for sainthood. Mr. Z will name his first-born after you. If he doesn't, he's grounded.

Two, try waiting for a few seconds after you click the "continue to shop" button. It seems to redirect to the shopping page after a short pause. If it doesn't, I suppose you can just go to and enter his "seller ID" which is


And if you end up going through all that... well, then we'll just have to have Miss O's first-born named after you, as well. Hell, we'll all just change our name to Nora. A family of Noras, we'll be. Good luck and thanks again!

Sarah said...

OMG... Sortable socks? Color coded socks for the whole family. This site ROCKS. Mix that in with the Tuscany Totes and the Monrovian Sugar Cookies and I'm pretty much in nirvana.

However, I'm lame..and always end up just getting the same stuff... wrapping paper and gift tags... which will be perfect for wrapping up sortable socks and monrovian sugar cookies!

Order done! Now, with your 8.2 million hits a day.. I'm sure Mr. Z will Gold Medal in the Consumer Olympics on the School Yard!

And, Nora.. I've tried the $5 check made out to the shcool too...and they think I'm nuts. So, instead, they get their $.85 from the $5 nuts that I buy fromm the catalog. Alas.


Kim said...

I think all the traffic from the Crabbydad site has crashed Innisbrook's server! I'll try again later.

Mr. Z will freakin' PWON all the other so-called "salesmen" in his class. YES, ALL THAT USELESS CRAP SHALL BE HIS.

I predict some sort of elementary school sales record. Mark my words...

crabbydad said...

Thanks, Kim & Sarah! I'm a little worried about these Innisbrook shysters. So far, there are no prize credits in Mr. Z's account and I know that some orders have been placed. If they skip town with his prizes and all their shitty wrapping paper, there shall be hell to pay!

You hear me, Innisbrook?! I'm onto you!!!

Monica said...

Five more credits you gnarly old bastard. I hate this actually, but I'm loving it.
I bought some foil wrapping paper name "Warm Gold Leafage" - did you happen to write the copy for them?
And why don't they sell useful things, like toothbrushes or holiday cotton swabs or something?

nora said...

The women of Crabby Club have mobilized.

Homeless guys in Indianapolis will be rockin' Mr. Z's color coded socks.

Speaking of sortable socks -- My dad taught me the best trick ever. Safety pin the toes of your socks together before you wash them. Lose one, lose them both. Dad takes it one step farther -- and keeps the pin on the cuff of one of his socks. We all laugh (especially when he wears the socks/Birks/shorts combo) but those safety pins have come in handy.

No need to have the kids name their children Nora, but I have always adored my name. Some kids that came to the coffeehouse since they were children named their doggie Nora. Their parents were afraid that I'd be mad. Quite the opposite - I was honored.

Okay, you can tell that I'm avoiding a deadline. If I'd put as much effort in my column as I did this comment, I'd be done.

jjs said...

Well what I really wanted was the "Denim Dude Scarecrow" outdoor flag, but since there was none available, I went for the Gold leaf wrapping paper. Gold gifts for everyone!!