Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dental DAMN!

First off, I'm incredibly intrigued by the person from Joliet, at "Advanced Urology Assoc.," who was Googling the phrase "fish truck" and ended up at my blog. I hope you found what you were looking for, but just a word of advice -- now I'm no urologist, but I think your patients might prefer it if you use the proper term, "bajima truck."

Okay, down to bidness. Today was my return trip to the dentist to get my temporary fake tooth replaced with my permanent fake tooth. The exchange took about 15 minutes and only cost me 500 FUCKING DOLLARS! Shit, if I knew it was gonna be that fucking expensive, I would've made my own tooth out of chewin' wax. Tooth-stealin' bastards.

The bigger story, though, was that Mr. Z accompanied me on the trip because he needed to get his two baby eye-teeth "wiggled out!" That's violently ripped out of his skull, to you and me. And once again, the boy proved to a total fucking trooper. He handled the Q-tips with strawberry numbing gel that were jammed into his gums very well. He had ever-so-mild lid-flippage when he saw the giant needle that was to be jammed into said gums, repeatedly, but the reaction was completely within the normal to mildly abnormal reaction continuum.

And the dude didn't even flinch when the doc revealed the GIANT PLIERS and proceeded to twist/snap each of those fuckers right out of his head. I, on the other hand, just about passed out from all the skull-diggery. Holy shitfuck, what a barbaric profession. I think it's one notch below cow-fondler.

But there he sat, when it was all done, bloody gauze packed into his talkin' hole, happily digging through the treasure-chest-of-plastic-garbage, looking for the perfect light-up-tooth-ring or bendy-lead-painted-toothbrush-person. The dude's a fucking rock star, I'm tellin' ya.

So, tonight he was totally jacked that he's gonna get DOUBLE the normal tooth-fairy booty. He left this out on his night stand for her:

And I just happen to have the T.F.'s reply right here:

Dear Mr. Z,

First of all, congrats on losing two teeth! Now, technically,
I'm not supposed to give money for teeth that are professionally
extracted, but you were so brave (I hear!) that I'm going to make
an exception this time!

Unfortunately, I can't leave Pokemon cards, as those fall under
the "gift" jurisdiction, and gifts are strictly the domain of Santa, the Easter
Bunny, Hannukah Harry and Kwanzaa Kevin. All of my transactions
are cash only. I'm sure you understand.

I have seen a Manticore... once. It scared me so much that I practically
soiled my wings. They are evil, evil beasts, second only in evilness to
the Mantihamster. Talk about scary!!! I'm getting the willies just thinking
about it.

I have not met Sparkle the Sun Fairy. She sounds very nice and I'd love
to meet her some day... as long as she stays off my tooth turf. She can
collect other things under pillows, like lint or boogers. The teeth are mine!

And I love your Luna Lovegood poster. She's very cute and seems mighty
smart. Just like you! You've got great taste in women!

Anyway, I've got to fly. Lots of teeth await me. Keep brushing!

The T.F.


Anonymous said...

Dear Crabs, I'm on my way to the dentist for a crown appt. You know, the one where they grind your real tooth down to a stump and put a fake one on? Well, I HATE having this done, and I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone, Brudder!
I haven't even had time to read your entire bloggage of last night because I am running late.

crabbydad said...

What is this, Crownzaa?! I'm gonna do a Flava Flav and just pour some molten gold over all of 'em.


Monica said...

Yes, well, you poor thing. I have had the pleasure of a double implant, and not in my chest where it would do any good. Those two have left the building, as it were.
The spanking new steak-chewers cost around 7K back in '96 or so, and well worth it.
Add that to the contact lenses, the running orthotics, and the underwire bra and I am practically bionic. Sort of.
If I start wearing Spanx, just kill me.

crabbydad said...

You're a regular Jamie Summers, Monica. And thank you for turning me on to Spanx. My Google search yielded a whole host of images I never even knew existed out there. Thanks to you, now I TOO can eliminate my "VPL" and "muffin top!"

Monica said...

VPL? Is that like, virtual public loaf?

crabbydad said...

Virtual public loaf?! Is that like when your avatar in World of Warcraft takes a dump in front of other characters?

(Visible Panty Line, by the way.)