Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Feel A Big Dump A-Comin'...

I can smell a school closing in the air. The smell is a combination of tears, bile and, strangely enough, burnt circus peanuts. I hope to fuck I'm not right but... I am. I'll bet my left buttermaker that the spawnage aren't goin' anywhere tomorrow morning. I wonder how many hours I can get them to enjoy the "lie-on-the-couch- with-my-eyes-closed-and-have-the-spawnage-place-things-in-my-
open-hand-and-I-have-to-guess-what-it-is" game?

On a more personal note, I have the most incredible eggy flatus tonight and I know not from whence it comes. Well, I know from whence it comes... I just don't know from whence it was created. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary today -- the usual bagel with cream cheese, coffee, turkey/swiss sandwich, fritos, apple, yogurt, carrots, a bowl of Cheerios, some pretzels, a few Newman-Os, half of Miss O's Morningstar Farms Griller Prime, some of Mr. Z's french fries, some Cheez-its, a couple of dried apricots, a sweet turkey sausage for dinner, and a handful of Nestle's semi-sweet chocolate chips before I headed up to bed. Where did the egginess come from? There's a lethal combo in there somewhere... I'm leaning toward the fusion of the Fritos, Swiss cheese and the sausage. Actually, I think those are the main ingrediments in mustard gas.

I just feel bad for the Old Lady tonight. In all seriousness, the other night, I apparently blew one in my sleep and woke us both up. She kinda pushed me and cursed me, and then I just sat there in the death vapor, laughing my skinny ass off at four in the morning. There's definitely an inadvertent, somnolent dutch oven a-brewin' this eve'n.

Poor Old Lady.

11 comments:

Burbanmom said...

Well, now we know where Miss O gets it from, eh?

crabbydad said...

That's right, Burbanmom... from her mother.

leslie said...

I just popped over from burbanmom's blog, and have been reading your posts. One funny guy! I have you 'marked'.
Thanks burbanmom, for hanging out with funny people.

crabbydad said...

Thanks for stopping by, Leslie! Just remember to disinfect your mouse after you leave.

PG said...

be careful, the current administration still has just under a year to seek out the WMDs you are sporting!

crabbydad said...

You mean WAD, PG -- Weapons of Ass Destruction.

PG said...

I don't want to talk about your wad. thanks though!

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Monica said...

It was the APRICOTS caused the FFH. I am currently trying to patent a carbon filtered quilt for just such occasions...will alert you when it becomes available in your area.

crabbydad said...

We'll take four quilts, Monica. The crabbyfamily enjoy the crapricots.

Jerry said...

Who needs flannel sheets when you got the one-man dutch oven goin' on.