Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Therein Lies the Rub...

So I was all fucking excited because I finally made an appointment for a massage for 5:00 tonight. See, the Old Lady got me a gift certificate for an hour-and-a-half massage at this local place... LAST MARCH. I remember getting it for my birthday way back then and saying, "Shit man, I haven't had a massage in forever. I can't fucking wait!" And then I proceeded to stick it in a drawer and forget about it for 10 months. What a dick.

And I love massages. Every time I get one, I'm like, "Holy fuckstain, that was awesome! I've got get one of those mofos every goddamn month!" And then two years goes by and I'm like, "Why does my skeleton hurt?"

Needless to say, I was excited about tonight's massage. That is, until I get a phone call this morning from the masseuse. Masseur? It's a lady... I think it's massousela. Anywhich, she's all flustered and shit and says, "Hi, uh, I accidentally double-booked massages for tonight and, uh, would it be okay if we rescheduled yours?"


Of course I said "yes." I always say yes. The thing is, she was all nervous and apologetic and freaking out, and I'm thinking, "Is this the kind of energy I want transferred to my numb, atrophying muscles?" I thought massage people were supposed to be all zen and shit. Shit, she made me seem like the goddamn Dalai Lama.

So I rescheduled it for next Tuesday. It'll probably suck. And I'll be stressing the whole time, wondering how much to tip her. What do you tip a massager? I give the pizza guy 5 bucks. He drives like five minutes to my house and hands me a pizza. She's gonna be kneading my scrawny, unclothed, hair-caked body for 90 minutes. Based on what I give the pizza-dude, I'd owe her like 1000 dollars.

No wonder I only get a rubdown like every two years -- it's too fucking stressful. I'm just gonna buy me one of them massage chairs. Stick it in the fucking basement, sit in it, flip the switch and not tip it a goddamn penny.


diyfather said...

My name is Eric Mooij from www.diyfather.com we are a global online interactive forum for fathers based in New Zealand.

I was hoping that you might be interested in sharing content, we would link back to your site with your name on our site.

Also would you be interested in doing a podcast interview via Skype?

Let me know if this is possible I look forward to hearing from you

Regards Eric

nora said...

I can't top the podcast thing, but again you made me laugh like an idiot.

"Based on what I give the pizza-dude, I'd owe her like 1000 dollars."

Thank you.

Doodaddy said...

You don't tip the massage chair? Oooooo, you're in trouble....


crabbydad said...

Doodaddy, the chair gets to keep any loose change that vibrates outta my pockets. And it gets to keep all the air biscuits it can absorb.

Anonymous said...

Bruther, what to tip is the lesser of your concerns. If I know you, you'd be wise to worry that you don't relax so much that your sphincter gets all lazy. Be careful...

Lacy said...

I used to get an hour massage once a month. Healthiest 8 months of my life. It was amazing.

If only that guy hadn't finished massage school and started charging three times as much.

Seriously. Do it. Or better yet, send one of those kids to massage therapy school. It beats Brownies.