Friday, January 25, 2008

Classy or Assy?

So, I totally need a new bathing suit -- the crotch netting part is doing such a shitty job keeping my nards pouched that during my laps, the other day, I thought I was being pursued by a wrinkly manta ray.

I think it's time to move away from the board shorts I've been wearing toward something a little more streamlined, but there's no fucking way I'm gonna wedge my wee willie winkie into a goddamn banana hammock. The only other alternatives are either the "jammer" style that I've seen a coupla guys wearing -- kinda like those bike/compaction shorts but shinier -- or the retro square leg numbers that are making a comeback -- kind of a Charles Atlas meets Ursula Andress thing.

Of course, I could never imagine myself in those square leg numbers but part of me is drawn to them just to see how people would react if I walked into the YMCA pool area sporting a pair. I'm imagining a slow motion reaction shot of 80 year old ladies vomiting in the water and 90 year old men climbing out of the pool to kick my scrawny ass. Or vice-versa.

Anywhich, I've decided to leave the choice up to you, gentle reader. Here's a picture of each style:



You make the call. Your wish will be my command. Vote away.

22 comments:

Jasper Mockingbard said...

My question is, why the hell are you swimming during a Michigan winter? And, so what if its an indoor pool. It makes about as much sense as eating soup and drinking hot chocolate during a Florida summer. Seasonal activities performed in the wrong season is an abomination. Stop before something bad happens, like you forgetting to dry your wee willie winkie when you get dressed and it freezes on the way to the car.

Go Spiffy and become hydrodynamic. The Stiffies will make your thighs look fat, and less like Charles Atlas and more like Austin Powers.

PG said...

Board shorts still. Think of all the extra exercise you are getting with the added resistance!

Innisanimate said...

I'll vote for the 'Spiffy' model. I mean, the 'Stiffy' model seems to be more for that parent/teacher conference along with your mesh half-shirt and some knee-high tube socks. Ohhh yeaahhh...

Burbanmom said...

Yikes. Is there a third option?

crabbydad said...

Jasper -- I am swimming inside you realize. And I always remember to dry my winkie thoroughly... just like mom taught me.

PG-- the water is resistance enough... and the body hair.

Innis -- You are brilliant. I can't wait for the next parent/teacher conference. Though you forgot to mention the fingerless gloves and black patent-leather combat boots. Oh, and the do-rag.

Burbanmom, there is a third option that I am seriously considering: assless chaps.

Lizzy said...

I just don't think you need the extra accessories like the belt. It doesn't seem like those Stiffies would fall off, so is it for whipping the old people going too slow in your lane?

My vote: Spiffy

Jasper Mockingbard said...

Yeah, I realize you're inside. (See 2nd sentence of comment.)
I should then clarfiy my statement, but saying "It makes about as much sense as eating soup and drinking hot chocolate during a HOT Florida summer day in an air conditioned house."
I stand by my opinion that those activities are against all the laws of nature.

crabbydad said...

Lizzie -- how 'bout suspenders?

Jasper -- Yeah, I was just being a smartass. The only reason I swim is 'cuz my fragile old man skeleton can't handle any sort of impact at all. And I'm pushing it with swimming. If I were to try a flip-turn, my bones would surely turn to powder.

tracey said...

i vote square leg.

Burbanmom said...

Hmmmmm. I'm leaning toward the assless chaps now (no fringe, though) although I feel like there's just not enough data to make a decision.

Gonna need some stats like height, weight, body hair density and religion to make the final call.

Brian said...

Isn't the term "assless chaps" redundant? I mean, aren't chaps assless by nature?

Whatever.

I say recycle the Old Lady's one piece. You know, remind the 90 year old what it was like back in "the olden days."

see: http://www.shorpy.com/files/images/13990u_0.preview.jpg
and:
http://www.jmcohenrarebooks.com/cats/graphics/image32.jpg

Kim said...

I like the stiffy trunks. Go figure. What girl doesn't like a stiffy? (Uh, did I say that OUT LOUD?)

And BTW, we all know you why you swim. It's not for the exercise--it's because you like sharing a locker room with old naked geezers. Heh.

Anonymous said...

As a fellow swimmer, in cold-ass weather or not, I gotta say this - shorts = drag. They're great for the beach, not the pool. I go for spiffy. Stiffy is very my zipcode, which is most definitely not your demographic.Plus that belt buckle could do nasty things to you.xxR

bad influence girl said...

Belts on swimwear: Wrong. Thas all I'm sayin.

sarah said...

As much as I love the greg brady vibe of the stiffy... I think the spiffy is my vote. However, some of the dudes at my gym have been wearing these unitard things that look cool on olympians and kind of silly on midwesterners. That said.. I bet they make you feel like a freaking Istiophorus platypterus.

Russ said...

Must go with the spiffy, every time I see the "stiffy" style or banana hammock I throw up a little in my mouth.

crabbydad said...

You have all spoken. With the exception of Tracey, there is a near-unanimous call for "The Spiffy" over "The Stiffy," which is great, 'cuz I there was no fucking way I was gonna sport those little belted hot pant numbers. I guess I'll go with the jammers and "jam" everything down in there and hope for the best.

You know, once again, life would be so much simpler if I were just all smooth down there like a Ken doll.

Evan said...

I can't believe I'm the only one voting for the Stiffy. What's wrong with you people?

crabbydad said...

Evan, I thought for sure everyone was going to vote "stiffy" just to make me look like an ass at the Y. No such luck... there's WAY too much respect afforded me by these people. They obviously don't know me.

Maybe you should get a pair of the stiffies.

Tam said...

I vote stiffy

Anonymous said...

Heh, jokes on you flabbydad. You're gonna put the 'Why?' in YMCA!

thea said...

My late vote: Spiffy.

I don't think anyone can pull off that pattern other than an Ikea bedroom display.