Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Shock & Ow...

Okay, so I won't say that the EMG I got today was as horrendous as everyone on the innernecks made it out to be, but shit man, what demented fuckhole thought that primitive torture-fest up?

So, I'm lying there on the table, once again wearing nothing but the 95-year-old Polish cleaning lady's housecoat, and the doc starts taping some electrodes to my wrist. I'm thinking, "Okay, how bad can this be? He's just gonna send a little current down my nerve and the electrodes are gonna measure the intensity of the signal. No problem." He says, "Okay, there's going to be a little jolt," and then, well, there was a little jolt. Not too heinous -- kinda like what it feels like if you lick a fully charged 9-volt battery... with your anus.

So, I'm thinking, "Okay, that wasn't too bad. I can handl--NYYAAAARRRRGHHNNGGG!" The second jolt was a mofo. I looked like Daffy Duck when he gets electrocuted -- my whole body turned black but you could see my skeleton all lit up. Then my beak fell off. And then he just kept repositioning the electrodes and zapping different parts of my body -- bicep, forearm, thigh, calf, ankle, foot, scrotum. (He told me that one was just "a gimme.")

After that was finished, he said, "Okay, now for the second part of the test." The second part consisted of him taking a fucking needle, jabbing it into different muscles, and then kinda wiggling it around until he found a position he liked. Then he'd hold it there and listen to the crackling noise it was producing through the metal box in front of him (the metal box, mind you, that had duct tape wrapped around part of it. Hi-tech shit). When he felt satisfied with whatever the fuck he was listening to, he'd remove the needle and then jab it somewhere else. It really wasn't as horrible as it sounds -- except for when he poked it into the back of my hand, the back of my thigh, my elbow and my eye. Okay, he didn't poke it into my eye, but I was definitely ready to poke it into his if he didn't wrap things up pretty fucking quick.

When it was all over, we chatted. He said that I definitely have pinched nerves in both elbows (which I already fucking knew). He did say that a coupla spots in my leg were "a little slow," and didn't necessarily know why. He's sending me to a hematologist for a follow-up blood test. Excellent! Another doctor! What a fucking racket these doctors have.

The good news is that he said that all this shit is due to some peripheral nervous system problem, so he's basically ruling out any central nervous system causes (MS, brain cloud, etc.). So he basically told me something I already knew, and he has no explanation for the other shit. Hey thanks, doc!

So it's off to the fucking hematologist. I can't wait until he tells me that everything looks fine, except my blood's gonna have to come out.


PG said...

Shit man, I am sorry you are going through all this. Well, maybe I'm not. It makes for laugh out loud reading! If you can promise me you will keep up the laughs on other topics I will sincerely hope all turns out well sooner than later.

crabbydad said...

Can do, PG. Thanks for stopping by. I will stop belly-aching about my hilarious health issues and get back to my regularly scheduled topics: lack of sleep, the spawnage and turds.

Russ said...

Don't mock the duct tape, that stuff can fix anything!

Medical maladies are always amusing, to others of course.

Burbanmom said...

Ever wonder if doctors just invent some of these tests because they're bored and just want to see if they can get insurance companies to pay for shit that would, in war, violate the Geneva Conventions?

Hope you have better luck with the next doctor.

Been lurking for a couple of weeks, but wanted to tell you I love your blog! Laugh out loud funny!

bad influence girl said...

Did he put the beak back on in the right place, at least?

Kim said...

YAY! No neuromuscular diseases! I'm SO happy you're not gonna become one of Jerry's kids!

Seriously, though--doctors suck, and healthcare is a huge racket. Don't even get me started. I have insurance (albeit meager) and I still can't really afford to visit the doctor, because if I do, they raise my premiums.

The BF and I are seriously considering a move to Canada or France when we retire.