Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sticking My Finger Back into the Booty...

This is my public apology to the GARRETT ACE 250. I am so sorry I ever disparaged your good name, GARRETT ACE 250. All other metal-detectors cower in your presence. If there is ever booty to be unearthed, you, sir, are the only one to make that booty call. You are the fucking shizzle of metal-detizzles!!!

I got up this morning and I was seriously bumming about the missing ring. I felt completely naked without it -- it felt like I was shopping at the Kroger with my schvantz hangin' out. (Or what I imagine that would be like... heh, I'd never do something like that at the Kroger! Now, at the Meijer...)

So, instead of my usual Sunday a.m. reading of the NY Times, I grabbed the GARRET ACE 250 and headed back out for another pass at the lawn. I decided to start as far away from the spot I was standing as I could, and then make my way back toward ground zero. I wanted to be very methodical about it and leave no patch unprobed. Since it was 9 a.m., I plugged some headphones into the GARRETT ACE 250 so as not to wake the neighbors, and to increase my fucking nerd factor one thousand-fold.

I started scanning at the property line between our lawn and our neighbors'. I thought to myself, "Self, there's no fucking way the ring flew all the way over here," but then I realized that my instincts are usually completely fucked, so I ignored myself and kept scanning. Then, after about 30 seconds, the GARRETT ACE 250 starting going fucking nutso. I was scanning near one of the underground sprinkler heads, so I figured it was just the metal from the sprinkler setting the thing off. But I bent down to check it out anyway, and then I saw this:

There it was!! Right next to a giant red "X"! I launched a steaming relief-turd into my nappies, bent over and picked the fucker up. I couldn't believe it -- the GARRETT ACE 250 came through! I shall never question a rented machine that uses VLF electromagnetic technology again!

So, there you have it -- the annulment is off. The Old Lady is once again an honest woman. The spawnage are once again legit, and are no longer bastards. (At the moment.) And I will now embark on my new training regimen of eating two boxes of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes a day to fatten up my ring finger, so this will never, ever happen again.


nora said...

Woo Hoo,
Congratulations Crabby Dad.

Jasper Mockingbard said...

Congrats. I lost a pocket knife in 4 ft. tall grass when I was 12. I could have used the GARRET ACE 250 then.

Zebra Cakes are pretty good, but you every notice how many of the Little Debbie products look like turds of varying shape? Not to mention that the Star Crunch is likely the nastiest substance called a "Little Debbie" you could ever put in your mouth. You may as well wrap in a tortilla and call it a burrito. Find a ton of snacks here:

bad influence girl said...

Congrats! Next time I lose something in the yard I'm just gonna look for one of those big red Xs.

Monica said...

I vote for the direct route - just jam a Little Debbie onto your ring finger..., wait...who said that?

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