Sunday, February 03, 2008

Screw That...

This weekend was quite the handyman's special for ol' crabbydad. I got that "there's too much cluttery crapshit in this house" bug all up in my sphincter, and I went on a major purging spree. I started in the basement and just started chucking shit into a giant hefty-hefty-hefty bag. I didn't make a fucking dent in the impacted colon that is our basement, but I filled the bag, so at least it felt like a satisfying dump.

I also unearthed the camera tripod I was looking for that I was thinking of using for my "Cooking with Crabbydad" idea. I ripped it apart and had this bright idea that I was going to duct tape it to my bike helmet for the ultimate first-person-shooter-type head cam. I got it all taped up and it looked pretty fucking awesome, but when I strapped it to the ol' noggin', I almost a) fell over, and 2) choked myself with the helmet's neck strap. There was no way I was gonna be able to keep that thing on my head and cook a fucking meal without auto-asphyxiating myself in the process -- and that's not really the type of video vibe I was going for.

So I ripped the duct tape off and tried to figure out another way to mount the crabbycam. I ended up just sticking the tripod pole through the front of my belt and then taking another belt and cinching it around my chest, making a sort of Baby Bjorn camera holder. It works surprisingly well -- as long as I don't try to crouch down, 'cuz then I'll pull a Phineas Gage through the ol' nutsack. I'm gonna try to do a test run sometime this week and see just how unfunny and ill-advised this whole moronic idea is going to be. (My prediction: "extremely" and "way.")

I also decided to finish replacing the few remaining light switches/outlets that I promised the Old Lady I'd replace back in July of 2004. Things were going along swimmingly until I forgot to trip one of the breakers for the upstairs playroom, and I literally electrocuted myself. Serious lightning bolt from my fingertips to my already tingling toes. It was classic -- the Old Lady was at the grocery store and the spawnage were downstairs watching tv, so if I had actually succeeded in killing myself, no one would've found me for a good 3-4 hours. Luckily, it was only enough electricity to singe the hair off my knuckles and make me go "NYARRRRRGGGGGNNMRRFFFFLLNNNGGG!!!"

Oh, I also put up a wall coatrack hanger thing in the mudroom/back hallway area AND it didn't rip itself right outta the wall when I hung the spawnages' coats and backpacks on it, which is totally bonus for a crabbydad-screwing-something-into-the-wall type project. It'll probably crash to the floor overnight, but it managed to stay up for a whole day, so fuck yeah!

So what's that... three home-improvment projects in one weekend? Shit, man, I'm good until at least 2011.


nora said...

Wow Crabbydad,
I'm proud of you.
I accomplished actually zero items on my maintenance to-do list this weekend.
I'm sitting with my computer on my lap surrounded by piles of disaster.
And I'm glad the electrocution didn't 'take.' That would have sucked for the Crabby Club.

Russ said...

Ahhh, electricity, my nemesis. I grabbed a live light socket once. once. I pay good money to watch other fuckers get electrocuted now.

Sarah said...

Any chance we can have a guest blog written by other members of the Crabby Household giving their play-by-play of the Crabbycam test runs.. I'd love to hear their thoughts as you duct taped the camera onto the helmet, put the helmet on and promptly fell backwards due to the weight. The whole multiple belt thing sounds very inspired or at least very Ed Grimley.

Congrats on crossing so many things off the to do list! You are, as always, an inspiration. I feel accomplished when I actually unpack the perishable groceries I bring home!

Kim said...

Congrats on all the home improvements. I wish I was that motivated...our living room needs painting really badly.

On another front...did you watch this week's Intervention? That (ahem) DJ's eyebrows were freaking me the hell OUT.

My BF has christened our beloved Van Vonderdonderblitzen as Van Vonderhalen. I don't know which one I like better!

crabbydad said...

I just caught the end, Kim, but I was wondering what the shit was up with the dude's earrings that kept disappearing and then reappearing. And how great was VanVonderhalen when he mouthed "SHUT UP!" to the dude's mom?! Oh, and has he mentioned that everyone's here "'cuz they just love the heck outta ya"?