Thursday, January 11, 2007

Nice Threads!

See, here's why I shouldn't be put in charge of shit. A couple of years ago, when we first moved to this vortex of nothingness, I was guilted into creating and maintaining the website for this parents group -- kind of a parent advocate group for kids who were, say, a little "advanced." I mean, Mr. Z was skipping a grade and I thought these folks might give me a little insight into the school district around here and what we could expect.

Turns out, it was just a bunch of annoying nerdarino parents who sat around and bitched about how their little Poindexters were being shortchanged in the classroom. Sure, they may have had a couple of points (but their hair covered them up... two... three...) but they just seemed so whiney and they were so obsessed with getting their kids into college as early as possible and, frankly, they gave me the willies. Of course, we want Mr. Z to remain challenged in the classroom, but we've really had nothing but positive experiences with his very proactive teachers and, fuck, he's having fun, he's not bored and he's making friends, so what the shit, right?

So I stopped going to the meetings but I was still saddled with the goddamn website. I put it together and it worked, so it wasn't that big of a hassle. Then I went and got all fancy and put in a forum a year or so ago -- a place where the nerdarinos could bitch and moan virtually. I put it up there and forgot about it.

Cut to today -- I got an e-mail from the assistant superintendant of the school district, saying that she'd like me to give her a ring. Strange... but all right. I gave her a call and she said, "Yes, uh, I was wondering if you're in charge of the forum on the [parent group] website." I told her that, unfortunately, I was, and she asked if I had taken a look at it lately. I told her that I basically hadn't checked it out for about a year and she said that I might want to take a lookie-loo.

So, I brought it up onscreen as I was talking to her and that's when I noticed the four posts by members of the group... and the 150 posts by C1alis69, A$$Pokr297, and a whole slew of odd new, and very enthusiastic, posters. As it flashed onscreen, I think I actually said, "Oh my!" to the superintendant. She said, "We just thought you might like to know. Buh-bye, now."

And that, my friends, is what you get when you put me in charge of crap of which I do not necessarily want to be put in charge... of. You get a forum-load of spam for sequoia-like erections and dwarf-teenage-amputee-shemales. I spent the next hour deleting all the posts and banning any new members with the words "ttiTTzzzzz" or "kUmB@th" in their email addresses.

Two of my favorite posts, though, were "Squirt From Both Holes!" and "Can't a Feller Take a Crap Once in a While?"

I mean... can't a feller?


Nora said...

I had to get rid of the comment section on my music Web site. I was spending half an hour each day deleting porn.
The site promotes local music, mostly folk/singer-songwriter stuff and I use it as a dump for my column in the Broad Ripple Gazette, since it is not on-line.
I did keep one comment:"A Band Of Her Panties."
I thought they deserved some credit for realizing it was a music site.

crabbydad said...

"A Band of Her Panties"! That would be a great band name. Maybe they could split a bill with "Squirt from Both Holes."

Nora said...

I have always wanted to have a band called "The A-cups."
That would complete the line-up.
I see some sponsorship possibilities here—Maidenform, Hanes, Bali….

Jon said...

When I was a kid, I wanted to have a band called "The Masterbating Puppets."

This was well before Metallica's album of almost the same name.