Saturday, January 27, 2007

Hey! Isn't that Dyan Cannon?!

Back in August, we got Mr. Z this shrunken apple head kit that he proceeded to put on a shelf and not use, like pretty much everything we get for birthdays/xmas/arbor day. Well, during one his smabillion goddamn days-off-from-school-for-no-reason, I dusted the kit off and decided it was high time he make a fucking shrunken apple head.

Not as easy as you might think, however. First we (meaning I) had to peel the apple. Then we (look... from now on, "we" means "I") had to carve a rough face on the defleshed fruit, and scoop out some shit around it. Then we had to cook it in a 200 degree oven for, get this, EIGHT HOURS. Who the fuck thought this project up, Johnny I've-never-done-a-project-with-a-kid-before?! Eight hours... I was tempted to cook it at 1600 degrees for one hour, but our oven didn't go up that high so, shit.

So, eight fucking hours later, the naked apple was kinda dried out, but still kinda wet and appley. That's when the directions directed us to hang the fucking thing in the "drying hut" for, I ain't shittin', TWO DAYS. Motherfucker! If I ever meet the dick who thought this thing up, I'm gonna stick him/her in a 200 degree oven for eight hours. Two days. Cock.

Two days later, I have to say, the thing was looking like a goddamn shrunken head. It was hideous. Miss O was repulsed by it, and frankly, had I not known it had once been a Granny Smith, I would've yooked at the sight of it as well.

We finally finished the thing off yesterday (another inexplicable day off), adding the paint, eyes, teeth and hair. And crown. And now, it is ready for its unveiling.

Presenting Mr. Z's Crinkled Curiosity, the Misshapen Monstrosity, he of the Frightful Physiognomy...



Kim said...

That is stupifyingly creepy. The Burger King crown just adds to the creepy mystique!

crabbydad said...

That's the real face behind the B.K. mask. MWAH-HA-HA-HAAAA!!

Jon said...

Couple of things on apple dolls:

1) Saying someone looks like an apple doll is one of my favorite insults ever (don't cross me).

2) We went to a street fair a few years ago (the kind with a lot of "folk art" that only white yuppies can conceive) and a guy there was selling apple dolls magnets. Him and his wife made dozens of the scary little bastards a day and he proudly pronounced that they had just passes the 10,000 mark.

So we bought one. And now it's slowly decaying on our fridge.