What the HELOC Are You Talking About?!

When it comes to financial dealings, I'm a completely retarded. Literally -- my money I.Q. is like 8. I'm moneytarded. Never been good with money, never will be. When we got our mortgage, it was like the broker guy was speaking Esperanto. I had absolutely no clue what we were doing. Somehow, it worked, because we ended up with a house, but I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

So, part of our mortgage is this Home Equity Line of Credit, or HELOC, which is basically a credit card type thing. Now, I DO understand that interest rates are going up and I realized that we're starting to hemorrhage money with this HELOC thing, 'cuz it's at like 9.5% and rising. The old lady (who knows even LESS about this shit, if you can imagine) and I finally decided that we should do something about it.

We talked to a friend of my parents who's this mortgage lady and she told us to change the HELOC into a fixed rate loan to "lock it in," so the interest rate won't get any higher. Okay, I can understand that. I may be retarded, but I'm not stupid.

So, we went over to Bank One, which is now Chase for some reason, and talked to the loan lady. Cut to about 30 minutes later, and she has us convinced that we need to convert not only the HELOC, but also the 30 year thing into one giant NEW loan at a slightly higher percentage rate than our current 30 year loan.

Ow, my head is starting to really hurt again.

Luckily, we didn't sign the papers yet, because I went home and emailed all this shit to the mortgage lady friend of my parents. She's like, "Don't do that! You're crazy! She's totally ripping you off to get a bigger commission! What're you thinking?!"

See?! I managed to do the wrongest possible thing! And I blame myself, definitely, but I also blame the old lady on this one. Because I'm so fee-tarded, I always think that any sort of money-related person is trying to rip me off. Car salespeople, bankers, cashiers, kids at lemonade stands. I don't trust 'em! The old lady, on the other hand, loves to spend the money. "Go on! Get it! Treat yourself! We're all gonna die -- buy yourself something nice!" Which is how she was in the bank. I was saying, "Hmm... something sounds weird about this. Why would we want to raise the interest rate on our loan? I don't know..." while she was like, "Come on! It'll be great -- we'll have all the money consolidated in one place. Just one payment a month. Let's just do it!" I actually started to think the old lady was getting a commission on this deal.

Anywhich, we're going back in on Tuesday and saying, "Look, lady! We're not buyin' what you're sellin'! We just want to convert the HELOC, so keep your grubby mitts off our 30 year fixed! I feel like Navin Johnson from "The Jerk," when he's in that French restaurant. "You think at a fancy restaurant like this, you'd be able to keep the snails off the food! Now take these out of here and bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked us out of!"

It's like people can just smell "rube" when I walk into the room. Moron alert! Bwoop! Bwoop! Bwoop!

I made up for it in the kitchen tonight, though. Remember those "Nasoya Egg Roll Wrappers" I used a while back? Well, they've been sitting in the fridge and I decided I needed to try a new experiment. I mixed up some ricotta cheese, chives, egg, parmesan and mozzarella and made little raviolis with the wrappers. Boiled 'em up for a few minutes, threw a little sauce on there and crap, thems were fancy-good!



So fuck you, loan lady! I may not understand your big "numbers" or your "amortization," but I can whip up fancy pasta outta nothing, ya shit-fuck!

And this is why I hate most people.