Friday, May 19, 2006

Eat Your Cake and Let's Get Outta Here!

I have to take Miss O to a birthday party tomorrow that's being held at the Y. It's a swimming party, so that basically means I can't drop her off and bolt, because there's no fucking way I'm going to leave her at a pool with some high school lifeguard making sure she doesn't drown. So there's a good two or three hours pissed away, sitting in a humid pool area, stressed out and making sure no one kills my kid.

And I know I'll end having to watch the other kids, too, because no other parents will be stupid enough to stick around. I'll be the fucking helper dad -- setting out plates, filling up cups, fishing the turds out of the water. Whee, should be a goddamn blast.

What kind of asshole has a swimming party for four-year-olds? They might as well have it around the rim of an active volcano. "It'll be great! Four-year-olds, big pool of water -- what could go wrong?" I hate birthday parties.

We went to a birthday party last weekend for the kids of a woman the old lady teaches with. It was a goddamn Dora shit-fuck. Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora cake, Dora pinata, Dora cocktail weiners. Now if they had a couple cans of Dora beer, or fired up the Dora bong, I wouldn't have minded. These people, though -- "Gee, little Susie seems to like that Dora character... let's shell out mucho dinero for a bunch of worthless shit with her hydrocephalic head plastered all over it, use it for 10 minutes and then ship it off to the Dora landfill, where it can lodge in the throats of thousands of seagulls until they squawk "Socorro!" and then become "muerte." Fucking Dora. And why does that kid have to fucking scream all the time?! "HOLA!!! SOY DORA!!!! CAN YOU AYUDA ME AND BOOTS TODAY?!!!! SWIPER STOLE MY FUCKING HEARING AID AND YO NECESITO TO SHOUT MUY LOUD JUST TO HEAR MYSELF!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SOY YELLING!!!!!!!!!

And to top it off, the minute I walked into their house, one whiff told me I was fucked. It smelled like I walked right up the urethra of a fucking cat. They didn't even have to mention that they had 'em. I knew instantly. My lungs started closing up and the wheeze-fest started. I actually had to drive home and get my goddamn inhaler. People and their fucking cats! Piss, turds and fur. Fucking menaces -- the cats and their owners.

Ah, I gotta go sleep. Fucking cats got me all riled up.



Cazzie!!! said...

OMG, I am ROFL, and so is Ange!!! You are such a classic!! I agree the pool party is a bad idea, i couldn't have imagined looking after Nick's whole class like I had to at Hungry Jacks last week for his birthday..hell, yes, parents love to leave 'em with people they dunno just to have a break.
We are the same, we never leave our kids at parties like that..we are to good samaritan carers too,
:( .

Kim said...

Ahh yes...brownouts at the Y swimming pool. Been to many a party where that's happened.

Did I mention they weren't kiddie parties?


Good times, good times...

Cazzie!!! said...

LOL Kim, you crack me up too!!! It reminds me of one of my fav pics of all time...Caddyshack, PMSL!!!

Cazzie!!! said...

Wow, I just clicked on your link and I see that one of your fav flicks is Caddyshack too, how cool!