Monday, May 15, 2006

Calgon! Take Them Away!

Banner day today:

1. Once again, a horrendous breach of parental etiquette, nay, a complete subversion of the parental code occurred when a neighborhood mom showed up AT OUR DOOR, after school, in the pouring rain, WITH HER CHILD IN TOW, and innocently ASKED if Miss O wanted to play with her daughter. What the shit, woman?! That is SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!! One just DOESN'T DO THAT!!!!

Internally, I was flipping my goddamn lid while murdering her. Actually, I was murdelizing her. Externally, I said, "Sure, why not! Come the fuck in!" (in so many words). But here's my moment of brilliance -- as the mom was scooting her freshly unencumbered ass out the door, I added, "Oh, hey hold on a sec! Let me give you our PHONE NUMBER so you don't have to go out in the rain next time, just to see if we're home." And I jotted the number down in BIG, FATTY SHARPIE and stuffed it into her fucking hand. I added a pert little, "Give us a call when you're ready to pick her up!"

I don't know where I got the danglers to pull that one off, but it sure felt right. I would have revelled in my victory a little longer but her goddamn kid was busy hacking some god-awful lung spew all over our house and I had to start coating Miss O in a protective layer of Purell. That's right -- this chick drops her kid off with fucking Boola-Boola! God DAMN, that lady's got bigger nads than I!

I think I'm going nail one of these to our front door:

These people! Fuckers, one and all!

2. Mr. Z looooves to talk. He has a fundamental need to fill in all available space in the world with conversation. He doesn't do it to annoy me, it's just like breathing for him. I accept it. Shit, I wouldn't have anything to write about if the kid kept his mouth shut. But sometimes, the chatter is so inane, I think even he would be embarrassed by it, if he had to listen to it himself. Today's example:

MR. Z: Dad? Can poops feel anything?

ME: What?! Are you serious?! What are you talking about?!

MR. Z: So, they can't see or hear anything, right?

ME: Are you insane?! Of course not.

MR. Z: [under breath, as he's leaving the room] Glad I'm not a poop.

That exchange can be explained in one of three ways:

1. He doesn't actually think half the time when he speaks, and he just had a bunch of extra words he had to get rid of.

2. He knows I'm hurting for material to write about and he's just floating it out there for me.

3. He's losing his fucking marbles.

Knowing Mr. Z, I'm gonna stick with number one. Can poops feel anything?! Hell, everyone knows that poops die the minute they hit the water. Duh?! Poops can't swim!

And with that nugget of wisdom, I bid you "Good Eve." DAMN, I need some sleep.


Kim said...

I got this doormat for my dad:

Sounds like you need one too!

crabbydad said...

That's perfect, Kim! Though a trapdoor over a pit of hungry alligators is more my style. Or a springloaded boxing glove... or a vat of boiling oil... hell, maybe we'll just move.

Cazzie!!! said...

OMG..I am ROFL!!! You crack me up Crabbydad..seriously. My girls were in the lounge room watching My Little Pony and I crack up laughing and they run in to see if I am crying or laughing or both!!
We used to live in a court before we moved to this house we are in now. Not sure if you know what that is a small street that is like a no thru road, you can drive down a court, and turn your car around in the court at the end. The only way out of a court is the way you first entered. Anyhow, we used to live almost at the end of the court there. I would drive up my driveway and no sooner my feet hit the ground than all the kids from the court would be milling around waiting to get in my door to play with my kids' things and not necessarily with my kids.
At the time I had 4 kids under 5 yrs of WTF did the parents think they were doing to me!! I put it all to a stop by telling the kids where to go and telling the parents they needed to spend time with their own kids and FEED them as I had my own army to feed thankyou.
Man, than woman sure had balls droppin her germ of a kid to your place. Onya for tellin her straight up to CALL FIRST!~!

Cazzie!!! said...

Hey Kim, that's an ace mat BTW!