Monday, May 08, 2006

The Egg Lore of the Egg Role

I felt pretty energized today and I have absolutely no idea why. There's either a full moon or I had WAAAY too much green tea today. Hell, I even decided to "cook" something new for the kiddies for dinner, instead of throwing chicken nuggets and broccoli in front of them again for the 364th day in a row. I know, what the shit, right?

Yesterday, during my near-hourly trip to the grocery store, I picked up a pack of these, for some odd reason:

Egg roll wrappers! Who knew?! I figured, "Hey, I can cook some shit up, shove it in one of those bad boys, roll the fucker up, fry the shit out of it and, voila, hand-held tube of food! Count me in, Nasoya!

So, I stir-fried up a little chicken (fake chicken, courtesy of the evil chemists at Morningstar Farms), some carrots, a few water chestnuts, a little broccoli and a fistful of pineapple. Then I plopped a spoonful onto one of the wrappers, rolled the fucker up, and stuck it in some bubbling oil. About a minute later -- TUBE OF FOOD!

Here's the kicker -- they rocked! The kids ate 'em, I ate 'em, hell, the old lady even ate one. No cookbook, no internets, just a little something I like to call "Crabgenuity." I swear, I should have my own fucking show on Food Network. I'd walk in there, slap Molto Mario across the face with a piece of fatty prosciutto, and show those hacks a thing or two about Cookin' on the Go! I'm like a Kitchen MacGyver. I could make a complete dinner from a package of egg roll wrappers, a can of Hearts of Palm and a maraschino cherry, and still have time to defuse a bomb. Watch your ass, Morimoto -- 'twill be my cuisine that will reign supreme!

Like I said, I think I may have overdone it with the caffeine today.

After dinner, I overheard a great exchange between the old lady and Mr. Z:

MR. Z: You know what? Raisins bear a striking resemblence to poop.

THE OLD LADY: You said a mouthful there, dude.

Out of the mouths of babes... and old ladies.

Later, when Mr. Z was upstairs "building a log cabin" in the bathroom, I heard him shouting downstairs to me:

MR. Z: DAD!!!! DAD!!!! DAD!!!

I came running up the stairs, certain that he was either being mauled by a bear or he had a giant turd stuck sideways in his ass:


MR. Z: (calmly) Oh, um, did you know that Ocean Sunfish can weigh up to 100 pounds?

ME: (hyperventilating) Really? That's excellent. [hack, wheeze] Don't forget to wipe really well.

I've gotta get me some sleep. I think the caffeine just wore off and this post is even starting to confuse me. We'll talk tomorrow.

And don't forget to wipe really well.


Cazzie!!! said...

I'm like a Kitchen I love MacGyver..not nearly as much as the wicked Aunts in the Simpsons..but almost, LOL.
I said to my 3 yr old today, "Can you stop being a cow just for one minute" (she was misbehaving at the cemetry, taking flowers and saying they were hers, I guess it is finders keepers and all that and I s'pose the cemetry does chuck 'em all in the bin on Thursdays anyhow..but still!).
She responds with, "I'm NOT a cow boy mummy...I'm shark boy".
We ROFL after that remark.

Megan said...

uh, was there a dipping sauce? you've got to have dipping sauce! that's the protocol!

crabbydad said...

Curse you, Megan -- I knew you would catch the flaw in my presentation! There was no dipping sauce per se, however, I offered up a bowl of Soy Sauce to wet the 'Tubes of Food' for swifter passage through the pie-hole. I promised them a tangy, sweet/sour dipping nectar the next time around. Perhaps I'm not quite ready to go belly to belly with Molto Mario.

Megan said...

hey, it sounds like a delightful recipe -- truly!

but if you wanna talk the big talk, then you gotta moisten your mouth with dipping sauce.

i'm a nitpicky stickler!

Erin said...

Good to see you're back to your old swear-y self... after 1 whole post!!

crabbydad said...

Cazzie, I've gotta start taking my kids to the cemetery. That sounds like fun! And with Mother's day coming up, well, thanks for the flower tip!

Erin -- I waited as long as I could. And it was one day. What the fuck-- I mean heck! Aw, shit!