Monday, May 22, 2006

Okay, Now I Get the Whole Thimble Thing...

It's late, I'm exhausted, and I have no time to get into details. Here's all you need to know:

1. Mr. Z's class is putting on a puppet show.

2. It's Cinderella.

3. He's playing "The Messenger" and "One of the Evil Stepsisters."

4. He needs to bring in the bodies for these characters, sewn, by Wednesday.

5. Guess who gets to do the sewing?

Schools are growing some big ole balls these days, I'm telling ya. Whatever happened to the "Puppet-made-out-of-a-fucking-lunchbag" puppet?! Or "ye olde sweatsock" puppet?! They've got the nards to send home a sewing pattern for TWO characters?! Hey, while I'm at it, why don't I carve a to-scale model of the Prince's castle out of a goddamn redwood?! Because I've got shitloads of time! Yep, just sitting on my fucking ass over here!

So, the old lady said she'd do the "One of the Evil Stepsisters" costume, because 1.) she's got the skizzils to sew on all the extra embellishments and B.) she can actually sew. That left "The Messenger" for me. Super.

We went to JoAnne's fabrics, a fucking bizarro spinstress hangout, the likes of which I've never seen. We grabbed a buncha fabric and doo-dads and narrowly escaped having some rickrack hot-glue-gunned to our foreheads.

Then tonight, while watching the final episode of "Alias" EVER (a fond "Adieu" to you, Sydney and Vaughn) I bondo-ed together "The Messenger," only managing to lose about two pints of blood through wee holes in my fingertips. Here are the results:

Okay, so the old lady's outfit looks way the fuck better than mine, but I can GARE-OWN-TEE that no other dad even attempted to thread a needle, let alone create a regal, messengerian vestment such as mine. It's a little rough, but I'm thinking my little suit-lette might even pass military muster. "Your glass slipper, me lady."

I'm losing my fucking mind.


Dave said...

I for one am impressed.

And admit it, you totally want to go back to Jo-Anne Fabrics as soon as possible.

Cazzie!!! said...

WTF is goin down here???You are there in teh States sewing away and I am here in the Land Down Under rigging up a favourite deep sea creature outfit for my Nick to wear to school TOMORROW!!!Yes, tomorrow, which is the day after today, the day after I have just driven into town, gone to the Acquarium, gone in to visit a patient at work, taken Little Mia for a ride on 2 trams, come home, taken Tom for a hair cut, picked up Sarah from Kindergarten, got home, made the Great White Shark Outfit and am about to go read the rest of Magic Faraway Tree to all 4 Gremlins, LOL.
Well done on the outfits there, you are both congratulated on such fine work! :)

crabbydad said...

Yeah, Dave, you're right. DAMN! I'm drawn to that place like a fly to a perfectly hemmed shit.

And Cazzie -- you win. How can I be crabby when your life is twice as shitty as mine. And your toilet flushes the opposite direction, to boot! Crikey!

Kim said...

I once had to help a 7 year old I nannied for make a lifesized cardboard replica of Reggie Miller. (And by help, I mean practically make the entire thing!) What 7 year old can make a 6 foot 7 carboard cutout of anything? I cursed that teacher for weeks and weeks, but the boy (and I) did get an A on the project.