Thursday, May 04, 2006

Moleskine Memories...

Okay, no heavy introspection tonight. I've gotta empty my notebook of Bozeman leavings, so here goes:

1. When I was visiting the Chico Hot Springs with G and his amazing wife and child, we were soaking in this incredibly balmy pool when a couple of chrome-domed yahoos showed up and entered the water. They were loud and obnoxious and pretty much sucked all the mellow out of the water with their assholishness and lack of hair. G overheard this exchange between them:

Dickhead1: Hey, we should buy this place!

Dickhead2: Yeah! Turn it into a Hooters!

Bald people... fuckin' assholes.

2. On my flight from Bozeman to Minneapolis, I made my way to my seat and saw some dude sitting in the seat next to mine. He actually seemed pretty cool and I thought to myself, "Wow, perhaps I'll meet someone on a plane who might actually become a friend!"

Then he pulled out a teeny, tiny Mini Bible-ette and started thumbing through the pages.


I don't know, it just creeped me out. Especially the size of the bible. Those things seem even more threatening to me when they're wee. But I made sure not to alienate the dude, just in case there was some sort of plane trouble and I needed a little divine intervention from the flying spaghetti monster.

3. On the flight from Minneapolis to Detroit, there was some ancient husk of a man behind me who must have had black lung or emphysema because it was a phlegm-o-rama back there. He just kept hacking and hacking, over and over, hurling his sputum against the back of my seat. Five bucks I end up with neckphysema or some shit like that. Take the fucking train, Grampa!

4. Before the Minneapolis flight took off, I was bored so I decided to look at each person, as they walked by my seat, and determine which celebrity they most resembled. Here's what I wrote down as they passed: Professor Irwin Corey, Louis Nye, David Duval, Miss Jane Hathaway ("Beverly Hillbillies"), Kirk Douglas, Jonathan Winters, Baldy Beardo, The Dad from "Family Matters," Bea Arthur, Michael Imperioli, Marilu Henner, Armand Assante, Ross Perot, Riki Rachtman, and Daniel Vosovic with acne. Yeah, it was a pretty revolting flight.

5. Lest we forget, it was Thursday bath night tonight, and both of the spawn had classic moments this eve. I was doing some laundry, so I just let them hang out for awhile before giving them their respective shampoos.

I stopped in to check on Miss O first, and when I walked into the bathroom, I asked:

ME: Hey, Miss O. What's going on?

MISS O: Oh nothing. My buttocks and my vulva are having a light-saber fight.

ME: Okay, I'll come back later.

So, I walked down the hall to check in on Mr. Z and had this exchange:

ME: Hey, boy. What's shakin'?

MR. Z: Hey, Dad. Hey, you know that hole on the penis where the pee comes out?

ME: Um, yeah?

MR. Z: Don't you think it looks kind of... cute?

ME: Hey, I'm going to go wash your sister's hair now. I'll be back in a minute.

Yep, it's good to be back home.


Cazzie!!! said...

"Five bucks I end up with neckphysema or some shit like that" thats soooo bad isnt it? I hate being on a flight where people are coughing up crap and not even using a tissue or a mask for that matter...
ROFL at what your kids said, don't kids say the darndest things? My little muffin, the 3 yr old, was with me for an x-ray today..she told the receptionist, who we didn't know from a bar of soap, that our nan-nan died and was in a big big hole..not sure where she got it from as my nan passed on 7 yrs ago almost.
Then little Miss 3yr old went on to take out her playdough scissors from her pocket and try to cut some of the flowers the x-ray place had in their waiting room. I was like..this cannot be happening, needless to say the flowers were fake ones, LOL. She asked the receptionist where the smell had gone from them.
Cheers Cazzie!!!

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