Monday, September 18, 2006

What the Flux?!

I've been extra crabbitudinous of late because I've been battling an acid reflux situation. I know, once I start writing about my health issues I'm basically one step away from uploading pictures of my B.M.s, but it's fucking pissing me off and I can't think of anything else to write about, goddammit. [And why, at age 41, does the word "B.M." still make me titter every time I hear it. It's not even a word, really... it's not really an acronym... it's more of a nickname, like T.J. or Scooter. Whatever it is, I like its style.]

So, yeah, the re-flux -- fluh-fluh-FLUX! It started about two years ago when we were getting ready to move to Michigan -- my stress has always manifested itself in me tum-tum. [insert eggy fart sound effect here] Got some meds for it and it was no longer a problem. Cut to June of this year, ol' Fluxy came back with a vengeance. And it's been fucking with me ever since. The fucking pills don't seem to be working anymore and I'm getting kinda desperate. I've cut out caffeine, alcohol, chocolate -- all the shit I like and it's still a-bubblin' up on me.

Of course, I did what I always do in these kinds of situations -- I turned to the internets. There are all these crazy fuckers on these message boards with their tinctures and preparations. According to them, all I have to do is drink aloe vera juice, or drink apple cider vinegar, or drink pickle juice, or eat baking soda, or stick a garden hose up my ass. I actually tried a teaspoon of pickle juice tonight and guess what? I actually heard my stomach acid drink it and thank me for making it stronger.

So now I shall retire to my bed and my four pillows that I now must sleep upon so as to angle my upper body skyward, hoping gravity will keep the coursing river of acid from bursting through my revolving door of a stomach sphincter.

Looking on the bright side, though -- maybe I'll drown in a pool of my own bile tonight and I won't have to face another morning without my green tea.

Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?


Anonymous said...

I see no one is commenting about your butter lady.

Try a Pickletini for old Fluxy. That'll fix it.

The Internets

crabbydad said...

Dear The Internets -- Alas, no one cares about the butter lady and her buttery nanners. No one, save I. Perhaps I will try a Pickletini -- maybe the gherkin will plug up my faulty valve on its way down. Cheers.