So remember those tomatoes I planted in the spring, and the way the plants grew like crazy and then I picked the first one, named "Dennis," last week? Well, it's harvest time at crabbydad farms and guess what?
Every last one of these fuckers tastes like a tomato-y ass. They're the shittiest tomatoes I've ever pushed into my tomato-hole, and believe me, I've pushed some shitty tomatoes in there, in my day.
I don't know what the shit happened. The soil was great -- rich, fertile, packed with nutrients -- it was like the shit of the gods. The plants were fine -- hearty, verdant, grew like motherfuckers. Then the little yellow buds started popping out all over and -- POIT! -- out pops a million shitty tomatoes.
When I popped that first one into my mouth, it was like I was chewing on an old sponge that someone, who had eaten a tomato about four hours earlier, had recently spit upon. It was all mushy and bumpy and it smelled like a wet badger. It was kind of like what I'd imagine the experience of performing cunnilingus on a wet badger would be like.
Here's what the inside of the tomatoes looks like:
Now that just ain't right. It looks like a centerfold from "Oral Surgery Cancerous Mouth Lesions Monthly" magazine. Look at that shit -- it's like a tomato-brain. Bleh.
The plants I got were the "Tomato Health Kick Hybrid" -- "packed full of flavor and lycopene, an antioxidant that may counter free radicals." Well, they were packed full of flavor, I can't argue with that. Unfortunately, it was the flavor of a badger beaver. And I don't know about "lycopene," but it sure tasted like SOMETHING was "pene" on these things.
So now I'm stuck with a bushel full of shit-ass tomatoes. I can't bring myself to throw them all away, either. With all the money I poured into those plants and that soil and all the other crap, each one of those things is worth about 10 bucks. I can't even grind 'em up to make sauce -- it would taste like tomatorrhea.
That does it -- next year I'm growing weed.