Saturday, September 09, 2006

You Say Tomato, I Say Toma--blaaarrrrgh...

So remember those tomatoes I planted in the spring, and the way the plants grew like crazy and then I picked the first one, named "Dennis," last week? Well, it's harvest time at crabbydad farms and guess what?



Every last one of these fuckers tastes like a tomato-y ass. They're the shittiest tomatoes I've ever pushed into my tomato-hole, and believe me, I've pushed some shitty tomatoes in there, in my day.

I don't know what the shit happened. The soil was great -- rich, fertile, packed with nutrients -- it was like the shit of the gods. The plants were fine -- hearty, verdant, grew like motherfuckers. Then the little yellow buds started popping out all over and -- POIT! -- out pops a million shitty tomatoes.

When I popped that first one into my mouth, it was like I was chewing on an old sponge that someone, who had eaten a tomato about four hours earlier, had recently spit upon. It was all mushy and bumpy and it smelled like a wet badger. It was kind of like what I'd imagine the experience of performing cunnilingus on a wet badger would be like.

Here's what the inside of the tomatoes looks like:



Now that just ain't right. It looks like a centerfold from "Oral Surgery Cancerous Mouth Lesions Monthly" magazine. Look at that shit -- it's like a tomato-brain. Bleh.

The plants I got were the "Tomato Health Kick Hybrid" -- "packed full of flavor and lycopene, an antioxidant that may counter free radicals." Well, they were packed full of flavor, I can't argue with that. Unfortunately, it was the flavor of a badger beaver. And I don't know about "lycopene," but it sure tasted like SOMETHING was "pene" on these things.

So now I'm stuck with a bushel full of shit-ass tomatoes. I can't bring myself to throw them all away, either. With all the money I poured into those plants and that soil and all the other crap, each one of those things is worth about 10 bucks. I can't even grind 'em up to make sauce -- it would taste like tomatorrhea.

That does it -- next year I'm growing weed.

6 comments:

Natalie said...

oh, crabbydad! I feel your pain. Well no, not really. My tomatoes have always been good. Well, usually good. There was one summer where the San Marzanos had issues.... but that's not why I'm writing. What should you do? peel them and cook them in a skillet with some butter and a little olive oil. KEY THING: slow slow slow cook them. Keep the flame as low as it will go without it blowing out as you walk by, and occasionally give them a stir. A glass of wine is important. You drink it as you watch the cellular structure of those 'maters break down. After awhile you'll see their texture has changed. Unless you've had too much wine, in which case you might miss that point, but no matter. Slow cook them as long as you can. When your large pile of tomatoes has turned into a smallish pile of thickish sauce, toss in as much garlic as you like. End result is a concentrated mess of buttery tomatoey garlicky stuff that makes a passable sauce. And next year? don't plant any fuckin' frankenfood hybrids, bro. Find some heirloom seeds and you'll have wildly ugly tomatoes with wonderful flavor. And lastly, I've got to tell you that I read you religiously. Well, as religiously as an atheist can read, anyway. I truly love reading your blog. Truly.

Siggy_1872 said...

What a disappointing year for the tomato! I too have 15 full bushy crappy yielding tomato plants. They aren't awful tasting but they look like something from another planet. Cracked, strange shaped, just bizzare. And does it seem that tomatoes came super late this year. I seem to usually be canning beautiful tomatoes first to mid August. This is almost apple time for pete's sake! Oh btw, some strange animal has burrowed under my massive marigold plants and eaten only halves of the promising looking tomatoes. That mean little varment then leaves the other halves laying on my garden floor...I am sure it is a big..."FU and stop using fertilizer on my roof!" Oh well, maybe the moon will be right for it next year. :)

crabbydad said...

Thanks for the suggestion and the kind words, Nat, but all that work for a passable sauce? I think I'm just gonna take the 'maters outside and whip 'em at the woodpeckers on the side of the house. The wine was a good idea, though. I'll drink while I'm peggin' woodpeckers. [And I'm definitely going heirloom next year.]

Siggy, maybe I'll send some tomatoes to you and you can whip 'em at your varmints. I'm over the 'maters now, though. Just had my first honey crisp apple of the season, from the farmer's market, and it was cider-riffic.

I've decided apples are the new tomatoes.

Anonymous said...

Hey, bruther: Too bad about your maters. But I was glad to learn the photo was not of your swollen ,festering tonsil, which it truly resembles. So count yourself lucky that you don't have a raging strep throat and that your not recovering from a tonsillectomy. Read on for some regusting details that will make you thankful you're merely dealing with botany woes...

http://www.operationcromulent.com/2005/04/tonsillectomy.html

--Seester

Anonymous said...

Hey, bruther: Too bad about your maters. But I was glad to learn the photo was not of your swollen ,festering tonsil, which it truly resembles. So count yourself lucky that you don't have a raging strep throat and that your not recovering from a tonsillectomy. Read on for some regusting details that will make you thankful you're merely dealing with botany woes...

http://www.operationcromulent.com/2005/04/tonsillectomy.html

--Seester

Anonymous said...

http://www.operationcromulent.com/
2005/04/tonsillectomy.html

It got cut off on my 1st comment.