Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Loins Sleep Tonight...

So, I think I mentioned recently that Mr. Z has been very eager to get to bed each night because, apparently, he's been having some very steamy nine year old girlie-themed dreams. We've known for awhile that he has a major crush on somebody, but he's been pretty hush-hush about his/her identity. And if you know Mr. Z, being hush-hush is basically a fucking impossibility.

The other night, during dinner, the boy says "I'll bet you don't know who my dreams are about." I was going to ignore him and save him the embarrassment of me figuring it out, but it was a direct challenge, so what the shit. I played along and threw out a couple of girls from his school. The king of subtlety said, "It's not anyone at my school."

Okay, that cut the already puny pool of girls he knows from probably 10 to about 4. I figured it had to be someone from TV, so I guessed:

ME: Uh... Hannah Banana, or whatever her name is?

MR. Z: No way!

ME: Okay, um who else, um... Sandy from "Spongebob"?

MR. Z: No! Okay, it's not anyone from TV.

Bingo! It had to be a movie. Unless it was Princess Peach from his Paper Mario game, and that was just too fucking sick for me to contemplate. So I tried to remember what movies we've seen lately. There was "Ratatouille," but I don't think he has a thing for animated rodents. The only other movie I could think of was... HARRY POTTER! THAT'S IT!!!!

ME: Is it someone from Harry Potter?

MR. Z: OH NO! [nervous tittering]

I knew I was zeroing in on his special lady, but which one would it be? There was Hermione -- not to sound like a complete creep but, hey, she's a hottie. Shit, everyone loves Hermione. But there's also Ginny -- sweet, unassuming, but POWERFUL Ginny. Definite possibility with her. Plus, those mysterious redheads... what goes on 'neath those fiery locks. Who else? Cho Chang? Maybe. Quiet, grieving, misunderstood. He might be going for a pity thing with her. Who knows?! I took a stab:

ME: Hermione!

MR. Z: No. [titter, titter...]

ME: Ginny!

MR. Z: Uh-uh. [tittery-titter...]

ME: Cho Chang!

MR. Z: Nope! [tee-hee, tittery-tit...]

ME: Hmm...

THE OLD LADY: LUNA LOVEGOOD!

MR. Z: [collapsing on the floor in a spastic laugh/scream breakdance of embarrassment] NOOOOOOOO!!!!! HOW DID YOU GUESS IT?!?!?!? OH NO!!!! WHY DID YOU GUESS HER?!?!?! I'M DOOOOMED!!!!!

I'm taking a wild stab here, but I'm thinking it's Luna Lovegood. And she's PERFECT for him. The weirdo girl who other kids make fun of, who sees death-animals that others can't see, who's completely absorbed in her own world and somewhat oblivious to the world around her. She's the anti-Hermione. And she's Mr. Z's special lady. I LOVE that he picked her over Hermione! Poor kid... just like his dad.

Of course, I couldn't just leave it at that. That night, I searched the innernecks for photos and found the perfect one:



I printed it out an 8/12 x 11" glossy photo and had it ready for him in the morning.

ME: Hey Mr. Z, check this out!

MR. Z: DAD!? Why did you do that?!

ME: I thought you'd like a picture of her for your room.

MR. Z: No way! You're crazy! Forget it!

ME: Okay, then I'll just throw it aw--

MR. Z: NO WAIT!!!

It's now on the wall next to his bed, and he makes us open the curtains at night so he can look at her as he's falling asleep. He keeps worrying about people outside of the family seeing it in his room and teasing him. We keep reminding him that no one ever comes over, let alone goes into his room, and he has nothing to worry about. I keep reassuring him that I won't tell a soul.

Except for all the nice people on the innernecks.

3 comments:

nora said...

Man, I'm not ever telling you nothin'

Err, hey...can you maybe find me a David Cassidy photo?

crabbydad said...

Here ya go, Nora:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/totp2/features/
wallpaper/images/800/david_cassidy.jpg

nora said...

Screw David Cassidy (of course, I totally would).
He is playing the free (yes, free) stage at the Indiana State Fair.
Here is an e-mail exchange with his "people" today.

Q:I publish The Broad Ripple Gazette, a small newspaper in the area of Indianapolis where the Indiana State Fair is held. My entertainment reporter, Nora Spitznogle, would like to cover the David Cassidy show. Would it be possible for Nora to conduct a short interview with Mr Cassidy for our paper?
thank you,
Alan Hxxxx
editor
www.broadripplegazette.com

A:It would be much easier if she could provide some questions and I will be happy to get responses back to you. He is on vacation and is unreachable by phone as he is working with his horses -- he breeds and races thoroughbreds -- I can e mail him and he can respond that way.
Thanks very much.
Jx-Axx Gxxxx
President
JAG Entertainment
5555 Hazeltine Ave.
Sherman Oaks, CA
(818) 555-5511

Q: I will forward this to Nora.
What I meant earlier was, is there any interview time for the press set aside before or after his show here on Wednesday.

A: No there isn't. Sorry.

---
Oh well, I guess at least in e-mail I won't giggle or faint.

Anything you'd like to ask?

Now find me some Joey Ramone wall paper.