Sunday, August 19, 2007

I Know I'm Forgetting Something... OW! MY HEART!

As much as it pains me to admit it, I am now a pill-taker. There are three pills I have to take every day -- two I can miss and I might not die, one, if I miss, will cause the acid in my stomach to start a-bubblin' and it will shoot up my esophagus, turn all flesh it comes in contact with to coal, and will burn a one-foot-in-diameter hole through the top of my head, as it shoots out of me like a bubblin' bile blow-hole.

Unfortunately, due to my advancing years, I've started forgetting to take the "important" pill from time to time. Actually, that's not true -- I don't know if I've forgotten to take it, so I'm constantly wondering if I should take it, or if I've already taken it. If I don't take it -- bubblin' bile. If I take it after I've already taken it... actually, I don't know what would happen, but the side-effect is probably something akin to "death" or "coma," or "rectal blood geyser." So I try not to miss it.

Now, I've been desperately trying to avoid buying one of these:

I feel that once I buy one of those, I might as well toss those giant sunglasses cover-up plastic things in my cart, along with a crate of Depends and a case of Ensure. And a tube of Porcelana Medicated Skin Cream for my liver spots. And a truss. So I've been fighting it. Every time I pass the pharmacy at Kroger, I slow down as I pass the old fart aisle, but then catch myself and blow right past it, yelling, "You'll never catch me, death eaters!." I JUST CAN'T DO IT, OKAY?! I feel like Bill Pullman in "The Serpent and the Rainbow" -- DON'T BURY ME -- I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!!

The solution? I made my own pill box. A hep-cat, ironic pill box... TO THE EXTREME!!!!

I finally found something to do with one of the 500 Altoids tins I've been hoarding like a... hoar? Now it's "Daddy's Daily Doses," and, thanks to some X-acto'd cardboard, it has enough room in there for seven days of "the important pill" and the other two. (In case you're wondering, the other two are 1.) a manly multivitamin and B.) a baby aspirin -- my brother [the doctuh] said all dudes over 35 should take those ever day or THEY'LL DIE... INSTANTLY!)

Oh, and I put Toad, from the Mario games, on the cover to show Mr. Z and Miss O that taking pills can be fun and cute. Everyone who's cool takes pills! Really! Oh, and don't do drugs.

So yeah, if anyone wants me to make them a boss, cherry pill box, lemme know. Hurry, though, 'cuz I only have 499 more Altoid tins.

Shit... did I forget to take my pills today, or did I already refill the tin? Goddammit!


Brian L. said...

If you're taking orders... I'll take one. I done gots me a pregnant wife who takes more pills than Ms. Pac-Man.

crabbydad said...

No problem, Brain. Though if there are too many pills, the Altoids tin may not contain them all. I might have to bump it up to a tackle box.

natasha said...

You should sell these on etsy. My last two comments have been about trying to get you money for your ideas. I don't like what that says about me, but I stand behind it.

crabbydad said...

I appreciate your help, Natasha, and you will get your 10% agent's fee if I ever sell one... which I won't, because I'm not so good with the follow-through, as the hundreds of Natashas before you will attest.

I'm sure I'll just make a bunch of them and then throw them on top of the Kicksome CDs and recycled chipboard notebooks I have piled on the floor. Yeah... not good with the ol' follow through.

Jon said...

And day eight is obviously where you keep the liquid sunshine.