Friday, August 24, 2007

Mother Chunker!

Holy crapfuck. That sucked turds. And it's still sucking turds, mind you -- this bastard's holding out for every last drop of my undigestiblarrghs.

You know, I hope I never get shot or stabbed or burnt-ed, 'cuz over these past few days, I've felt worse than I've ever felt in my life, save for the time that asshole sinus doc severed the artery in my head during my sinus surgery and almost killed me... but that's another story. Anywhich, as shitty as I felt this week, I'm pretty sure that getting shot, stabbed or burnt-ed feels WAYTHEFUCK worse than how I felt, and, frankly, I'm not willing to feel that kinda shit.

Seriously, if any of you are comin' after me, finish the job -- don't miss, okay?!

There's not much else to say. I've been literally laid out on the fucking bed for three days, not eating, not sleeping and whining like a dikfer. I puked myself inside out Monday night at midnight, and that was it, but the recovery just ain't happening. Today was finally okay -- my head is still pounding, my stomach's all crampy and I've got the reflux like a mofucker, but I was able to do a little work and choke down a 'nanner, some soup and some toast. Food completely repulses me, right now -- I feel like that mom on "Intervention" last week... the sinewy stick-lady who had xylophone music playing every time she walked or moved her arms.

That's it for now. Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm fine. Thanks for all the concern, the TWO of you. Sarah and Crescent -- you're all I've got, apparently. Shit, not even knickgrl0907 checked in. Hmm, I wonder how her trip to Cali is going... she does have all that extra cash she made from that website.


queen lisa of montreal said...

We have held a candlelight vigil for your intestines here in Montreal, with thousands of well-wishers praying that you will soon stop being crappydad, and will shortly be back to your old crabby self (without exploding from any further orfuses...orfusi?). We'll keep you posted, but with centuries of good Catholic mojo and more saints than you can shake a big french stick at, we're optimistic that your return to wellsville is just around the corner.

PS) I can teach you to swear, beautifully in French, if that would make you feel better while you ralph..."Tabernac!" is a good one to use while hurling, nicely gutteral, and it's about the worst word you can use in French Canada. Of course, it might counteract all that good Catholic stuff we were talking about earlier...your call how much you want to piss off the saints, I guess. ;-)

crabbydad said...

A hearty "grassy ass" to you, Queen Lisa, and the hoser hordes at the vigil up Nort'! I think your great white well-wishes have helped me turn the corner. Feeling less crappy than yesterday, and I can almost see the light at the end of my chunnel. Still feels like I have a giant brain tumor pressing on my right frontal lobe, but the plumbing is flowing like butter... er, butter that has hardened up considerably, rather.

But thanks for your kind words, and , though my Canadian is a bit rusty, I say to you, "Crisse de câlice de tabarnac!"

Kim said...

Seriously, dude. We were gonna send Jeff VonDerDonderBlitzen out to check on you if you didn't post soon!

Glad you're feeling mo' bettah.

crabbydad said...

You know, Kim, I could've really used Jeff VanVonDonCocktosen over the past few days to give me the ol', "You know, Crabby, you gotta lotta good people here who care 'bout you tons... just wanna see you get better." But I would've had to barf all over the bastard if he said, "But you gotta wanna help yourself, before they can help--BLAAARRRRGGHHH!"

queen lisa of montreal said...

Crabbydad, you are apparently well prepared to drink your face off in any Quebecois bar, or get thrown out of church by burly priests. If you can pull both off within an hour or two of the other, you're doing very well. Both are requirements for successful living in french Canada. (As are eating weird things like "sugar pie", poutine with smoked meat on it (?!), and/or "pizza-ghetti" - which is just what it sounds like, spaghetti piled on top of pizza, a local favourite).Yep. That's why you won't be finding any French-Canadian cuisine in yer fancy Michigan restaurants down there... we're just waaaaay too sophisticated and the rest of the world hasn't caught up with us yet!
Hope you're feeling better,
ciao for now