A Bad Case of "The Crap"

I've been having major problems with my ballcock. It's leaking, it's got a crack in it -- hell, I've tried twisting and jiggling it, but I seriously think my ballcock is completely fucked. It is pretty old. I'm thinking I may just have to rip it out and get a new one. I know that sounds painful... and expensive, but I'm at my ballcock's end!

By the way, I think we know each other well enough for me to show you a picture of my ballcock. I know, it's probably not the biggest ballcock you've ever seen, but up until recently, it has certainly gotten the job done:



Wow, that was like a bad "Three's Company" episode, huh? "Chrissy! Don't jiggle my ballcock so hard! It's starting to leak!" [cut to Mr. Furley doing a "Huh-WHUUUH?!" at the camera]

Anywhich, the toilet in our bathroom has been running for, like, ever and I finally decided something had to be done. I figured out that it was the leaky ballcock (didn't he play for the Cubs in the late 60s?), and I knew I was going to have to go to the Ace to get a new one. The problem is, most of the people working at the Ace are high school girls. I figured that would go well:

ACE GIRL: Oh, hi! Can I help you find something?

ME: Why yes, young lady! I have a leaky ballcock. It's about yay long, and I've tried jiggling it, and screwing it tighter, and, frankly, I think I just need a new one. Here, I brought in a picture of my old one, if you'd like to see it!

[ACE GIRL shoots a taser into my neck and 20 minutes later I wake up in the shed out back immobilized by chicken wire]

Luckily, when I got there, it was the high school dude who approached me. Feeling saucy, I declared, "I'm having some trouble with my ballcock," but then I added, "Where's your toilet department?" He kind of smirked, but knew what I was talking about, so he led me to the crapper supplies. I bought a new top for my ballcock, thanked him, and went on my way.

Of course, the part I bought didn't fix it, so I have to go back tomorrow and inform them that even after replacing the head of my ballcock, it's still leaking.

I have a strange feeling that I'm gonna get punched tomorrow.