Is it wrong that every night, when I go to check on the kids before turning in, I kiss them on the forehead and then noisily stand there, watching, inches from their face, and wait for them to move or make a sound, just so I can assure myself that they're not dead? Seriously... I do that every fucking night. No, really... EVERY NIGHT.
I can understand why I did it when they were newborns -- they seemed so fragile and shit, and their noses were always filled to the brim with boogersnots and they had all that smother-y stuff in their cribs, like blankets and stuffed animals and plastic baggies. But they're five and eight now, and I still walk into their rooms under the assumption that they're deceased and I can't relax and leave until they prove otherwise.
How fucked up is that?! And when will it stop?! Of course, the answer is "never." They'll be visiting my dried-out, wrinkly ass with their own families 40 years from now, and I'll wheel my iron-lung into the guest rooms late at night to make sure they're still respiring. Holy crapturds, am I a fucking mess.
Do other parents do this, I wonder? I know the Old Lady doesn't. She's got herself one of them healthy brains. She even likes to close their doors completely, at night. I always have to leave them opened a crack -- you know, so I can hear the pending death rattles more clearly.
And you know the one time I forget to check on them, something awful's gonna happen. Like there'll be a bear in Miss O's room -- a bear that I could've chased away with my late-night noisiness, but NO, I HAD TO BE SELFISH AND GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT CHECKING ON HER, AND NOW HER FACE HAS BEEN EATEN OFF!!!! Well, that fucking bear ain't gonna be eating my kids' faces off... NOT ON MY WATCH, BUB!!!
I've gotta go check on the kids. I think I just heard a growl.