Is it wrong that every night, when I go to check on the kids before turning in, I kiss them on the forehead and then noisily stand there, watching, inches from their face, and wait for them to move or make a sound, just so I can assure myself that they're not dead? Seriously... I do that every fucking night. No, really... EVERY NIGHT.
I can understand why I did it when they were newborns -- they seemed so fragile and shit, and their noses were always filled to the brim with boogersnots and they had all that smother-y stuff in their cribs, like blankets and stuffed animals and plastic baggies. But they're five and eight now, and I still walk into their rooms under the assumption that they're deceased and I can't relax and leave until they prove otherwise.
How fucked up is that?! And when will it stop?! Of course, the answer is "never." They'll be visiting my dried-out, wrinkly ass with their own families 40 years from now, and I'll wheel my iron-lung into the guest rooms late at night to make sure they're still respiring. Holy crapturds, am I a fucking mess.
Do other parents do this, I wonder? I know the Old Lady doesn't. She's got herself one of them healthy brains. She even likes to close their doors completely, at night. I always have to leave them opened a crack -- you know, so I can hear the pending death rattles more clearly.
And you know the one time I forget to check on them, something awful's gonna happen. Like there'll be a bear in Miss O's room -- a bear that I could've chased away with my late-night noisiness, but NO, I HAD TO BE SELFISH AND GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT CHECKING ON HER, AND NOW HER FACE HAS BEEN EATEN OFF!!!! Well, that fucking bear ain't gonna be eating my kids' faces off... NOT ON MY WATCH, BUB!!!
I've gotta go check on the kids. I think I just heard a growl.
9 comments:
Oh, 'twere it only so easy, Eleni Andrianopulu. Actually, I don't feel stressed about it. By going in expecting trouble, and then finding them peacefully slumbering, it's pretty comforting.
In a demented, seriously fucked up sort of way.
Oh, bruther, what did we do to deserve our lot? I was, just last night, spewing to B about my neurotic worries and intrusive thoughts about Miss W's vulnerability. I take comfort in the fact that it hasn't completely taken me over yet. On Sunday I actually bought a trail-a-bike for Miss W. I was on Craigslist, deliberating between that or the Plastic Bubble, but by golly, I got the bike! I was proud of myself. Maybe by the time she's 25 I'll let her ride it.
--Seester
I've got you beat:
I do this with my dog. I'll go into the kitchen to get some water before going to bed (because I seem to love bleary-eyed 3am visits to the bathroom) and if he's sleeping I have to stand and watch him to make sure I can see that he's breathing.
I get this from my Mother:
I can't fall asleep unless everyone who is supposed to be home, is back home. It happens even if I'm visiting friends, and their son, for instance, is gone to a movie and not back until midnight. It's very weird...and so frustrating.
YOU ARE MY PEOPLE!!!!!
I cannot bring myself to delete any photos of my daughter, even the blurry ones where the back of her head is in the lower left corner and even though with our new camera we are taking a truly startling number of pictures (even by new parent standards), because I keep thinking that if something horrible happens and she dies, I will want every single last one of those pictures. And, yes, I know this is unhealthy and irrational.
I believe this is called ITW (Imagine The Worst) Syndrome, and it's completely heritable and dominant besides. My father had it and gave it to me, and now, when I shriek out load at something on tv, my daughter will come running in and shout, "God, Mom, I thought a stranger broke into the house and stabbed you with a knife!"
hee! first time I ever heard of a dad admitting to doing this. MOST of the moms I know are just as neurotic.
I won't let my older kids(9 and 11) walk the ONE block to my sister's place without me. They could both get kidnapped and stuff! Yet my neice(11) shows up at our place alone most of the time. And she laughs at my kids for having momma take them out.
I don't care. Those kids aren't old enough to go by themelves in this screwed up world by my thinking.
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