That Snot a Bad Book

So it was getting close to bedtime and I went upstairs to see how 'not-in-their-pajamas' the kids were, when I heard this laughing, nay, tittering coming from the bathroom. The door was closed and Mr. Z was in there saying things like, "Ha-ha, explosive diarrhea!" and "Hee-hee, snot!"

So I open the door and I find the boy, sitting on the crapper, reading this:



Apparently, the old lady took Mr. Z and Miss O to the bookstore after camp and let them each pick out a couple of books for the trip tomorrow. Miss O got a Berenstain Bears go to school book and this great "Kate and the Beanstalk" book, while Mr. Z went for the new "Secrets of Droon" book and the Captain Underpants poop-fest.

This Dav Pilkey dude is a fucking super-genius -- even if he did basically steal my whole schtick. The dude sits around and literally craps out book after book of turd-booger-fart stories and shits himself all the way to the goddamn bank. He probably writes the things in the amount of time it takes him to squeeze out his morning loaf. It's so simple, yet so brilliant. (The books, not the loaf.)

I've been wanting to record some kids songs like that for years. Most of the fucking kids music out there is so damn insipid, what with the clapping of the hands and the hopping on one foot and the glayvin and the hoivin. I've always wanted to do things like, "Some poops are pellets and some poops are logs, some float in water like a big brown frog," or, "Roll your booger 'tween your fingers, squash it like a bug, when you're bored just flick it hard into the shaggy rug." Okay, those weren't my best lines, but I think there's a market out there for that shit. And I'm just the fella to shit it out. And if I were the kind of guy who gets motivated and follows through on things, I'd record it, by gum.

But I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

Oh, and since we'll be out of town for the next couple of days, I'm toying with the idea of some Mr. Z/Miss O audioblogs. Could be... WACKY!