Joy of joys, I got to take Miss O to get her school physical today! Boy, it was a fucking barrel of laughing monkeys!
She was jacked, because I picked her up early from camp. I fibbed juuuust a little, and said that the doc was just going to look in her ears, nose, mouth and bellybutton, and that it would be a whole lotta fun and she might even get a sticker if she did a good job. For some reason I left out the "Oh, and I'm going to hold you in a tight bear-hug while the nurse punctures both of your legs and one of your arms with GIANT NEEDLES THAT'LL HURT LIKE SHIT!" part. Must've slipped my mind. Oops.
As expected, she did a great job for the first part. Ears, eyes, nose and mouth checked out fine. She did the deep breaths when the doc listened to her chest. She even let him do that squeezing-your-stomach thing that always used to freak me out when I was little.
I thought it was a tad unsettling when the doc asked "Dad" to pull down her Hello Kitty underwear so he could "check out where she goes pee." Sure, that's his job and I'm glad he checked, but his phrasing just seemed a little creepy. He's a nice guy, though, so I'll just chalk it up to doctorly awkwardness. You know, he's my doc, too -- if, at my next physical, he asks me to pull down my underwear to see where I go pee, we're getting a new goddamn doctor.
So, everything checked out and, on his way out, the doc looked up at me and said, "So, that's about it, Dad -- I'll just send the nurse in to 'finish things up.'" Then he kinda rolled his eyes like, "Ha, you're fucked, ya schmuck."
But I was prepared.
The nurse came in with three needles and declared, "All right, sweetie. It's shot time!" What a bedside manner this woman had, huh? What the shit, lady -- way to sell it. Miss O figured what was going on and started to bawl. I tried to explain that it would be over very quickly, as I held her arms across her chest and steadied her legs, per the nurse's instructions. It was fucking brutal.
She stuck the first one in her left leg and Miss O let out a huge scream. Now, Miss O isn't just a screamer, mind you. She has always been really good at expressing herself, even in the throes of heaving sobs. So instead of just the usual "Whaaaaaaa!!" she started pleading with the nurse, "PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN! PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!!!!"
She did it to her again.
And then once more in her arm.
And when it was all over, I presented the prize:
The ring pop. A miracle of confectionary bling. The tears stopped instantly, and all was well with the world, once again. At first I thought that maybe I should've given it to her before the shots, but then I realized that she was gonna bawl regardless -- I could've ridden in on a purple unicorn beforehand and she still would've lost her shit. So the timing was right... and she didn't hate me, so that was a bonus.
School physicals, man... almost makes you want to home-school your kids.