I Guess They Smelt It and Dealt It Simultaneously...

Now, I don't like to rely on the Stat Counter for post ideas because it seems so fucking lazy, but I have to comment on a search someone did tonight that led them here. Someone from New York did a search, at 10:02 p.m. EST, on ask.com for:

"i have two small like holes above of my ass crack what are they"

While I'm no doctor, I think I have an answer for this inquisitor. They're called "back-nostrils," and while today, they serve no real function (much like the appendix), they did at one time have a purpose. About 1.2 million years ago, an early ancestor of ours, Australopithecus, began searching for food bipedally, distinguishing them from their ancestors, the apes. Quicker on their feet than their quadruped counterparts, Australopithecus was able to hunt more successfully, using their hands and arms to wield weapons, rather than relying on them for locomotion.

C'mon, get to the point, Crabbydad, you say? Can do. Fossil records show that around this same time, the first back-nostrils appeared. While there is some disagreement about the nostrils' exact purpose, most paleontologists agree that they acted as sort of a primitive alarm system. See, bipedalism made these early hominids much more agile, and they were better able to sneak up on their prey. The problem was that, while they were hiding behind a rock, waiting to stone a Wooly Mammoth, they had no idea if, say, a hungry sabre-tooth tiger were sneaking up behind them. Remember, Australopithecus had a brain the size of a kumquat, so it would not even occur to these morons that someone, or something, was eyeing them as potential prey. The evolution of the back-nostrils allowed them to "watch their back," so to speak, and it allowed them to not only survive, but to thrive and evolve into Paranthropus and, eventually, Homo Erectus.



Of course, as time passed and our ancestor's brains grew, they no longer needed such primitive structures in order to survive, but for some reason, the back-nostrils stuck around as a vestigial oddity in certain individuals -- especially those settling on the east coast. Every now and then, if you find yourself on a New England beach, steal a glance at the backside of a particularly hairy sun-worshipper. You just might be lucky enough to spot the flaring nares of a "heinie honker." If you do, be sure to make a wish (they're said to be "good luck!").

I hope that answers your query, my ass-sniffing friend from New York.

Gesundheit.