I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I figured it was a good idea for the family to visit the BRAND NEW IKEA near Detroit on the 4th of July weekend, but I really wish someone had put a bullet in my brain before we all actually got into the goddamn car. Holy fuckstain, was that shitty idea!
The fucking humanity that zombie-walked through this giant blue and yellow, life-sucking warehouse of mostly-crappy Scandinavian fürnitüre, while shoving spum-covered Swedish meatballs into their collective torte-holes -- it was truly a sight to behold. Every asshole in Michigan who has just-too-much taste to not buy their furniture here, and just-not-enough taste to buy it here, was at IKEA. And they were all walking REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY right in front of our cart. I think I had about 100 micro-aneurisms. Unfortunately, I lived through them.
We went there for one thing: a bench for the front porch. That's all. Of course, they didn't have any. Fuckers. So we had to spend a coupla hondo on worthless kräppe that we didn't really need to justify the hour long drive. Granted, we got a couple of cute things for the kids' rooms... but that's not the point. What is the point? I have no fucking clue. All I know is, we waited in line for lunch for about 45 minutes and I ate the DRIEST SANDWICH EVER and I still don't have a goddamn bench.
Give it up for Mr. Z and Miss O, though -- they were fucking troopers. Minimal whining (they actually whined less than I did) and they actually seemed to have enjoyed themselves. Of course, they ended up with all the cool loot, so what's there to whine about?!
The one thing I did come away with, though, is that ONCE AGAIN, I'm glad we don't have a fucking minivan. You should never go to IKEA with more than a 4x5 empty space in your vehicle. You don't plan on it, you don't necessarily even WANT to, but you will fill every free inch of space in your car with Swedish kræppe. It's like, you go in there, you black out and then you wake up, in your car, surrounded by shïtte. Those fucking Swedes, man. Sneaky bastards.