Sunday, July 06, 2008

Great, So When's MY Vacation?

Okay, there's no way I'm gonna sum up the whole fucking trip in one post. Frankly, I don't even feel like talking about it at all. It was fine, I guess. The party for my folks went well and the week in Lake Geneva was... well, no one died, so bonus. But, as expected, I'm way the fuck more tired now than I was before we left and I'm totally not ready to get back to work, let alone write this bullshit again every goddamn night.

So yeah, great to be back!

One positive -- we snagged four dozen bagels and bialys from New York Bagel & Bialy before we headed home, so I won't be in a complete shit-ass mood until they run out... in about a week-and-a-half.

Highlights, you ask? Ah, shit. Okay...

a.) Miss O and the Old Lady picked up some weird rash from one of the kids we were hanging with in Wisconsin. Based on my extensive medical training, I'm guessing it's this. Just to be sure, I confirmed it with my brother (the "real" doctor) and he concurs. So, he went to med school for what, 80 years, and I have a BA in Psychology and I come up with the correct diagnosis. I'm just sayin'.

2.) I learned that Lake Geneva is apparently the home of Andy Gump.

I have nothing further to add to this observation, other than "who gives a steaming pile of shitballs?"

iii.) We made it back to my home town on Friday in time to catch the 4th of July parade. Apparently, this years' parade theme was "All Hail Tooth Decay!" as the spawnage walked away from the event with enough candy to choke a diabetic. They've basically been running the same parade since I was a wee lad. They even had the same fucking purple & yellow Lion's Club lion that they've been yankin' down Deerfield road since 1968. Although I did notice that its front left paw has become shriveled and withered -- most likely the result of decades of fruitless attempts to gnaw it off to escape this yearly humiliation.

D.) I took an awesome pic of a Shriner.

I'm tellin' ya, I don't know what those fuckers do, but I'm pretty sure it involves chanting in unison, the occasional murder, homo-erotic horseplay with chimpanzees, and shitloads of weed.

5.) We finally broke down and took the spawnage to their first 4th of July fireworks. I know, we're shitty parents for not having done so up until now, but they don't start the fucking things in Michigan until like 11 p.m., so fuck off. Since we were in Chicago, though, we went for it and Mr. Z and Miss O flipped their collective lid. Granted, it was a nonpareil pyrotechnic presentation -- firework technology has definitely improved since last the sparklers and snakes of my boyhood. So the spawnage are really getting the full childhood experience -- last year they saw their first sunset, this year they saw fireworks. Maybe if they play their cards right, next year we'll let them eat bacon.

Ow, okay now my brain hurts. I'm done. I should've eased back into this. More later.


queen lisa of montreal said...

Whenever I'm stressed out, I get caught in an inexplicable Shriner's parade. Just the Fates doing jello shots and messing with my head, but I gotta say, it's a pretty weird thing to consistently happen to a gal. I feel your pain, CD. Happy bageling.

Jasper Mocks said...

Wow! It looks like you had a better time on your midwest vacation than I did! Holy crap! Who was your travel agent?

While galivanting around the land of meat and potatoes, corn and cheese, I kept my eyes peeled for the happiest family man alive. I felt certain that he would be you. Alas, anytime I got near such a fellow and uttered a crabbydadism, I was rebuked. Oh well, maybe next time.