So, I kinda feel like I'm in a bit of a rut with this ol' blorg. I used to sit my pointy ass down at 11 each night, stew in my own stink for a moment, and then the daily bile would just voluntarily bubble forth from my diseased liver, up through my fingers and, via my lunch-crumb-and-booger-encrusted keyboard, would end up sharted onto the screen in the neat little rectangular blogger text box. Piece-o-pie.
Lately, however, I can hardly muster the strength to spew forth said bile. Oh, it's still there, mind you, percolating like week-old Sanka in a spum-caked coffee urn in some dank-ass bar in Davenport, Iowa... Stickman's, let's say. Home of the Jumbo Porky. I just feel like I've got nothing new to say. Yes, I get sick a lot. Yes, the spawnage enjoy farts, draw funny pictures and can, on occasion, drive me fucking koo-koo-for-cocopuffs insane. Yes, I live in a town and a state that's sapping my will to live and turning my soul into a dessicated husk of hopelessness and, at 43 years of age, I don't know what the shit I want to do with my life.
Okay, that took a dark little turn there.
Basically, I need to churn up the fecal stew that is my life. I need some fresh ideas, I need to look at my futile existence with fresh, bloodshot eyes. And I need you, dear reader, to help. I've got a few ideas floating around in the noggin' that I might want to try out. Of course, they're most likely idiotic and, ultimately, will turn out to be embarrassing, but that's how I roll. So here are a couple of the ideas I'd like to try out, but probably won't because I'll either forget about them or they'll just require "effort" on my part:
a.) I've always wanted to do an advice column. Kind of a "Dear Crabby" kinda thing. If anyone has any questions that you'd like answered, be they marital, parental, or just moronic in nature, leave them in any comment section. If someone actually comes up with a question that I deem answerable, dammit, I may just answer it... maybe.
2.) I've got to get on that cooking show idea where I video myself making a meal for the crabbyfamily. This requires no action on your part... I just needed to write it down somewhere so I don't forget it again. I bought the fucking video camera, so I'm halfway there. Now I just need that pesky "content" part of the equation and I'll be golden.
iii.) Uh... that's all I've got. Two half-assed almost ideas. Lemme know if you have any suggestions. I'm open to anything, as long as it doesn't involve my ass leaving this chair.
Okay then. Hey, lookie there -- a post. It's working already.
10 comments:
I LOVE the "Dear Crabby" idea! The cooking idea sounds good, but since you always blur out the family's faces in photos and whatnot, wouldn't that be kind of hard to do? Although.....
Brainstorm... how about each cooking segment features a different severed head on your body? Like maybe "Chimichongas with Cheney" or "The REAL Einstein Bagels"....
hmmmmm....
I like your thinking, Burbanmom. AND, I just so happen to have an extensive collection of severed heads, so it's really a no-brainer!
I like food, so a cooking blog could be interesting, unless you have a Troppe-like menu.
If those ideas don't pan out, you could boost your popularity by posing for Playcrab or Pentshell.
Maybe you just need some street cred. You could track down area bloggers. Then, you crack some skulls and bloody some noses.
I have an idea for a screenplay starring you...well starring some girl, but you're the inciting incident, and possibly the title. I thought of it when I first started reading you in the dark ages (2005). I've pitched it to a few folks and they love it.
Here's a terrible blurb: It's a RomCom/roadtrip flick about a girl about to get married to a longtime love and who, through a series of anxiety-driven events, finds a blogger whom she admires. Enter roadtrip. She travels to middle America seeking advice/insight/who-knows-what, encountering interesting characters along the way (many through blogs and blog-related things). She's left to discover that the crabby blogger is truly content in his crabbitude, and so shall she be in her imminent marriage. It's not nearly as creepy as it sounds.
Problem is, I'm not a writer. You should write it. And make it funny.
There's an idea.
I don't know, lizzie, that sounds pretty creepy to me! Kind of "Sleepless in Seattle" meets "Under the Tuscan Sun" and does the do-si-do with "Fatal Attraction." Yiiiiiiikes.
I dunno, Queen, I kinda like the idea. I see it more as "Roger & Me" meets "Lost in America" meets "Fatal Attraction." Sounds like a hit. I think it should be called "Searching for Crabby Fissure."
It's a comedy, people. Seriously. You'll believe me when you see it on the silver screen!
Dear Crabby,
I have this great idea for a film, but everyone thinks I'm a stalker. What should I do?
Signed,
Crabby Roger Lost in Fatal Fissure
Dear CD.. I like the advice column idea! ESPECIALLY if you add Tarot reading to your intuitive medical diagnostic capabilities! I bet people would line up (virtually of course) down the block!
Of course, I'm sure there is a screenplay about that CANADIN pharmacy...
Glad you survived the midwestern st. tropez.
I've been trying to think of a good question for Ask Crabby, but I keep going back to the old: How does a forty-something midwestern woman meet a nice boy? She's open minded - he doesn't have to be a guitar player, or even musician for that matter.
Oh, maybe I just identified the issue...thanks Crabby!
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