Wednesday, July 16, 2008

We Don't Need Another Hero...

I told myself I wasn't gonna do it again. I said, "Self, don't fucking do it. The last time you went there, you nearly ended up with a goddamn blown O-ring." But I was at the bank during lunch time, and it's really the only place around there to eat, so, like an asshole, I went back to Jersey Giant Subs.

Now, I'm all for supporting local merchants (which is not easy to do in this town, unless you're really into banks, assy-tasting food and lingerie/dance tog boutiques). But the crew at Jersey Giant Subs is completely fucking bonkers. First off, they only have one size for their subs -- ELEPHANTINE. It's basically like eating a leg. A dry, dry leg. And B, they slather about half a bottle each of mayo and mustard all over this dry, dry leg so that the slimy, snot-dipped meat slices that they flop on there go shootin' out the sides with every bite.

And to top it off, it's not very... it's... it's not good.

But I was hungry, in the neighborhood and I obviously have some sort of vendetta against my colon, so I stopped in and ordered the turkey breast flavored dry, dry leg. I could barely lift the thing when the sub girl handed it to me. I had to carry it outta the place like a mover might carry a bookshelf down a staircase -- hoisted on my back with straps as I leaned forward at a 45 degree angle, gaining speed until I plowed headlong into the side of my car.

When I brought it home, the Old Lady saw it as it was being unsheathed and gasped, "Good God! What is THAT?!" I told her not to be afraid of it because it was simply a submarine sandwich... and because it can smell her fear. She was convinced I could never finish such a sub-bomination, as was I.

Oh, how I wish she and that earlier, more innocent, less loaf-laden me had been right. I literally cannot fathom how that beastly bread torpedo fit inside my digestive system. It's akin to stuffing a water buffalo into an elbow macaroni. And it smells basically the same.

Anywhich, just to give you a feel for the sheer size of this beast, I did manage to snap a shot of the meaty monstrosity before it entered me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go spread the tarps out in the tub so I can get me some sleep.


PG said...


YES! I am calling the good people at Websters now!

Russ said...

Thanks for putting THAT song in my head!

organicneedle said...

I love the photo. We had a local Pakistani place that I loved and kept going to despite my body's obvious rejection of its meals as food. After the 3rd or 4th....episode...even my husband stopped having pity for me. The city finally shut it down and freed me from its Sirens call.