We Don't Need Another Hero...

I told myself I wasn't gonna do it again. I said, "Self, don't fucking do it. The last time you went there, you nearly ended up with a goddamn blown O-ring." But I was at the bank during lunch time, and it's really the only place around there to eat, so, like an asshole, I went back to Jersey Giant Subs.

Now, I'm all for supporting local merchants (which is not easy to do in this town, unless you're really into banks, assy-tasting food and lingerie/dance tog boutiques). But the crew at Jersey Giant Subs is completely fucking bonkers. First off, they only have one size for their subs -- ELEPHANTINE. It's basically like eating a leg. A dry, dry leg. And B, they slather about half a bottle each of mayo and mustard all over this dry, dry leg so that the slimy, snot-dipped meat slices that they flop on there go shootin' out the sides with every bite.

And to top it off, it's not very... it's... it's not good.

But I was hungry, in the neighborhood and I obviously have some sort of vendetta against my colon, so I stopped in and ordered the turkey breast flavored dry, dry leg. I could barely lift the thing when the sub girl handed it to me. I had to carry it outta the place like a mover might carry a bookshelf down a staircase -- hoisted on my back with straps as I leaned forward at a 45 degree angle, gaining speed until I plowed headlong into the side of my car.

When I brought it home, the Old Lady saw it as it was being unsheathed and gasped, "Good God! What is THAT?!" I told her not to be afraid of it because it was simply a submarine sandwich... and because it can smell her fear. She was convinced I could never finish such a sub-bomination, as was I.

Oh, how I wish she and that earlier, more innocent, less loaf-laden me had been right. I literally cannot fathom how that beastly bread torpedo fit inside my digestive system. It's akin to stuffing a water buffalo into an elbow macaroni. And it smells basically the same.

Anywhich, just to give you a feel for the sheer size of this beast, I did manage to snap a shot of the meaty monstrosity before it entered me.



Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go spread the tarps out in the tub so I can get me some sleep.