'Twas the Old Lady's birthday yesterday and, by gum, methinks I can chalk another one up this year in the "win" column, gift-wise. If you'll recall, I've basically gotten her two gifts (over the last 22 years) that I would deem completely "successful" -- these two rings:
And I fucking lucked into those. The first one was total pulled-outta-the-bung luck, but it was early in our relationship and I think she was just easier to please back then. For the second one, she actually said, "I'd sure like me a turquoise ring," so I basically just had to find one that didn't have a goddamn howling coyote on it or any of that other southwestern bullshit, and I was golden. It wasn't easy (I had to find some hoser jeweler in Canada) but I eventually found "the ring."
This year, I was planning on going the ol' just-buy-a-shitload-of-stuff-and-she's-bound-to-find-something-
in-there-that-she-likes route, when I remembered that she used to have this Buddha ring that she totally loved, but it broke a coupla years ago. It was a huge silver ring with this carved red coral Buddha set in the middle of it and she really dug it, but she was apparently gesticulating wildly during one of her heated lectures and it flew off her hand and shattered into thousands of puny Buddhlets.
It became my mission to replace the Buddha ring.
So basically, over the last six months or so, I've visited every fucking online ring store, jewelry emporium, head shop, importer, exporter, cole porter, silver smithee, pawn shop and monkery that you could possibly imagine. And I found no fucking ring and no fucking enlightenment, whatsoever. He may look all happy and roly-poly, but that Buddha's a wily mofo.
Then I chanced upon ebay. You remember my ol' pal ebay? Those goddamn corrupt swindling dicksacks who stole my matched set of eight Danish mid-century modern Kofod Larsen teak dining chairs?! Yeah, that ebay.
But this was before the chair incident, so I hadn't yet realized just how dicksackian they were truly capable of being. Anywhich, my ass basically fell off my back when I saw this listing:
There he was!!!! It was basically the same, exact red coral Buddha, but he was in pendant form instead of his natural ring state. Oh, you are a shape-shifter, my rotund, be-robed one. Well, I wasn't gonna fuck around with any of that bullshit bidding, so I went for the "buy it now" price and closed the deal.
Okay, now this story's getting really fucking long and it's boring as shit, so I'll start condensifying. I took the new Buddha, the Newddha, on our trip to Chicago, and dropped it off at this jewelry repair shop in Highland Park that my mom has used since Flintstonian times. They magically turned it into a ring while we were in Lake Geneva, I picked it up on the way out of town and, blammo, I presented it to her yesterday:
It's pretty much perfect, except for the fact that I got the fucking ring size wrong and we have to go get it fitted, but shit man, I give myself props for making it up to that point without a major fuckup. And just for good measure, I padded the presentation with a coupla CDs (Sondre Lerche & Radiohead) and an awesome book about Lucian Freud, and, overall, I'd say she seemed pretty pleased with her haul. Oh, and I made her blueberry scones for breakfast:
So I'm gonna really fucking bask in my gift-giving glory for as long as I can because basically, from here on out, I'm on my own. I'll have to be "original" and actually "think of something" to get her. Which I've learned, after 22 years of buying the wrong things, is pretty much impossible. I am so fucked.
All I can hope for is that she loses/busts another ring before next July.