Monday, July 14, 2008


Sorry, you were outbid. This item sold to monoxylous for US $25 more than your maximum bid. And it sold to that turd-licker monoxylous with one goddamn second left, by the way.

You know what? Fuck you, ebay. And double fuck you monoxylous, you fucking cheater. Why even bother pretending that there's even a scrote-hair of a chance of winning a goddamn auction anymore? It's impossible. These bastards with their win-at-the-last-nanosecond bidbots, or whatever the fuck they are, are like the asshole kid who runs into the party and licks all the fucking cupcakes before anyone has a chance to get one. So all the cupcakes are dripping with little Johnny's Ritalin-infused sputum and now he's ruined the fucking party for everyone. NICE GOING JOHNNY! I hope you fucking choke on your spitty cupcakes!

And NICE GOING MONOXYLYOUS! I hope you fucking choke on your matched set of eight Danish mid-century modern Kofod Larsen teak dining chairs. Ya dickbag.

So, yeah, the Old Lady and I lost out on an auction for some dining chairs. And they were underpriced and pretty awesome. Of course, I didn't want to get them, at first, as the Old Lady has a history of getting all fired up about buying vintage furniture that a) we don't need and 2) we can't afford and iii) seems like a major fucking ripoff. But she broke me down this time and by the time the auction was nearing its end, I was getting all fucking worked up and we were the only bidders and it sure looked like we were going to get these fucking awesome chairs and there's only seven seconds left and I can't believe we're going to--


Literally, with one second left, this bastard comes outta nowhere and steals OUR CHAIRS right from around our dining room table from Room & Board that we haven't bought yet. How is that legal? That's not how real auctions work. You always have another chance to outbid the last bidder. There was no "going once, going twice, sold to the douchebag who fucking cheated and bid at the last second." I've never heard of a Sotheby's auction where one minute they're saying "One million dollars, one million-- do I hear one-million five-hundred thousand?" and then the auction suddenly stops and the auctioneer says, "Oop! Auctions over! A mystery bidder just bid one million twenty-five dollars at the last second and so they win. That's it. They get the jar with Napoleon's penis in it. Everyone go home!"

Not only do I curse you, ebay, but the crabbydad boycott of you is officially ON! You'll rue the day you ever fucked with my dining room chairs. Oh how you'll WISH you had blocked monoxylous's illegal last-minute bid. I'd so hate to be you, right now ebay.

And as for you, monoxylous? I hope those chairs get shipped over to your fucking mid-century modern store ('cuz I know you didn't buy those things for your house, you cheater) and I hope you unpack them and you stand there admiring them, and then you decide to try one out, and as your dirty, turd-caked cheater ass sets down on the cushion, one of the dry, brittle 1950s teak legs splinters and the jagged wooden stake that remains rams up your poop chute, pierces your sigmoid colon and you fall to the floor and lie there, writhing in mid-century modern pain, as your art school flunkie assistant tries to extract the Danish dagger from your shit-spraying busted bung.

No one licks my dining room chairs and gets away with it.


nora said...


And just when I thought it couldn't get any better: No one licks my dining room chairs and gets away with it.

My little brother used to spit in my Coke. We didn't have soft drinks in the house. I swear that I started working in a nursing home when I was sixteen so I could buy a soda pop, a razor and a cheap-o record player. We only got Coke when we were visiting a neighbor. And then Mom made us split one amoung all four kids. J.R. used to spit in mine when the host's back was turned. And I learned in my White Gloves and Party Manners class that a good guest does not complain.

This post was perfect end to my day. I can go to bed with a smile on my face, thanks Crabbydad.

PG said...

the important thing is that you are taking the disappointment in stride. Well done.

I have actually read somewhere recently, or maybe my wife told me she read somewhere recently, that more and more ebay transactions are going the buy it now route because people are getting a bit fed up with the whole bidding headache.

Not that it helps you at all mind you, just sayin'.

Jasper Mocks said...

That was me! Ha ha! I outbid you! It used the chairs for my campfire to make smores!

queen lisa of montreal said...

I have no idea why, but your 'lick my chairs' comment made me think of this video by the Wet Spots. Not suitable if kids are nearby, but there is something brilliant and perverse about it...

sea mystery said...

Thanks man, that last part of your post made diet coke explode from my nose. You totally put to words what I feel when I'm on the "bay." Sometimes I look at the feedback and think, "Hey, how come I paid a bazillion dollars for this and someone else got the same thing, from the same person, for 99 cents?" It's unreal sometimes. Thanks for voicing everyone's opionion ... you rock!