Monday, February 25, 2008

Wake up and Go to Sleep!


I got four, count 'em, four hours of sleep last night. First, I couldn't fall asleep, probably because I was thinking about the blood doc appointment I had this morning. You know, new doc, new horrific tests involving electrical shocks or claustrophobia death-tubes, and all. Then, as I was finally drifting off, Mr. Z starts calling out at 2 a.m. He had a sore throat and his tonsils sounded so swollen, I thought it was former Bulls center Bill Cartwright calling out from his room.

So, between going back and forth to the boy's room with water/Motrin, and obsessing about Dr. Blood, my night fucking sucked donkey balls.

And, the blood doc didn't let me down today. He's of some sort of Slavic descent, so he had this kind of Dracula vibe going on, which seemed very appropriate, being interested in blood and all. Basically, he wants to do more fucking tests on me. X-rays... fine. Regular blood tests... no problem. Aspirate a sample of fat from my stomach... huh-WHUH?! Suck a sample of bone marrow from my hip bone... WHAT THE SHIT, DUDE?!?!

Once again, I'm convinced these dudes just make this shit up. "Hmmm... numb toes, eh? Well... let's stick a needle in your... in your HIP. Yeah, that's it! Then, we'll suck out a sample of your bone marrow and then, ah what the hell... just for good measure, let's... stick a needle in your belly and suck some of that shit out, too. Sound good? Great! That'll be nine million dollars, please. Oh, and did I mention that the bone marrow thing is going to HURT LIKE BALLS?!!"

After all this dickin' around, I better have fucking bubonic plague, goddammit. There's no way I'm going through all this bullshit so they can tell me I'm healthy. Fuckin' fuckers.

On a positive note, I've been toiling away the last coupla nights on Mr. Z's latest song, "Fledgler's Log." It's pretty rockin' -- his lyrics are incredible. I've just been trying to come up with some music that'll do it justice. Oh, and did I mention he sings it in a British accent?

Anywhich, I'm passing out now.


Jasper Mockingbard said...

I love the bone marrow biopsy! In fact, I love it so much I've had it twice! I was numbed up pretty good both times with a nice local anesthetic, so I didn't feel much pain. It's more like the pressure you might feel if someone was boring a railroad spike into your hip by hand. And then, there's the sensation of bone marrow fluid being drawn from your bones- kind of eerie in the lifeforce-being-sucked-out-of-you-by-the-Dementors-in-the-Harry-Potter-book sort of way.

The first time, I bit a towel and broke the nurse's hand. The second time, I bit a towel and broke my wife's hand. All in all, it wasn't bad. Be sure to request some good drugs like Ativan- it really takes the edge off. It worked so well that I kept referring to it as Avitan. The doctor, the nurse and my wife were all very amused by my verbal dyslexia. Oh yeah, both times the biopsy revealed nothing. The source of my bizarre blood condition is apparently inexplicable.

Can't help you with the needle in the navel. That sounds made up to me. At least its not someone shoving a cotton swab up your urethra.

Russ said...

Sounds like you two need to get together and swap war stories!

Kim said...

I will never bitch about my colonoscopy again.

**blink blink**