Could it be any drier here at my parents' house? And the answer is no. It was so fucking dry last night, as the Old Lady and I fitfully tossed and turned in my childhood bedroom, that all canals, tubes and mucosae in my body dried up and I woke up like some sort of hollowed-out, dessicated cicada husk. After ingesting about 18 gallons of water today, I've managed to re-moisten myself back to the level of a burlap gunnysack filled with psoriasis.
Tonight, before bed, I plan on lubing myself up with vaseline and slipping inside a giant lambskin condom filled with rice pudding. That should keep me nice and dewy.