Monday, December 03, 2007

Maybe It's "The Grippe"...

All right, let me preface this by saying that, when it comes to issues regarding health (mine in particular) I tend to catastrophize at bit. Okay, a fuckload. With that in mind, this may be my last post, as I will most surely be dead by morning.

Okay, remember my black and blue toe? Ol' Bruise-ter? Well, the bruise has faded, but some other funky shit has taken its place. For the last week or so, I've had this bizarre phenomenon where my hands and feet feel like the blood is just pooling in them, and they're all hot and stiff and prickly and shit. And they're all crampy and weak feeling and it gets worse when they're hot, like in the morning, when I have the comforter on them.

At first I thought it had something to do with my sitting on my ass in the freezing basement all fucking day, but now I'm not so sure. I have two theories:

Theory 1: The Theory Which is Mine
For the last year, I've been taking this anti-reflux pill called Zegerid. I was having this horrendous reflux that was burning a goddamn hole in my esophagus and this fucking wonder-drug fixed me right up. No more schpilkes in the schnitzengruben.

So I looked up the side-effects the other day to see if my hand/foot thing might be caused by this little wonder pill. Apparently, the active ingredient in Zegerid, (Omeprazole, for those keeping score), inhibits the little pumps in the stomach that make the acid and shit. It also blocks the absorption of a shitload of vitamins that your stomach acid normally helps you absorb. One of the vitamins it blocks is B12, which, when you don't get enough of it, leads to "numbness or tingling in the hands or feet," and a whole host of other delights, including... neurological damage (which would explain a fuck of a lot.) So yeah, no vitamin B12 for a year... sounds like a pretty solid theory, no?

Theory B: The Other Theory Which is Mine
Now this is where my catastrophization kicks in. There's usually one logical explanation and then I stumble upon the WORST-CASE SCENARIO! Fucking WebMD shitheads. In this case, my worst-case scenario is... Multiple Sclerosis. I'm telling ya, look at the fucking symptoms -- it's me, goddammit! Tingling? Got it. Numbness? Got it. Weakness in one or more limbs? Got it. Blurred vision? Okay, I don't have that. Sudden onset of paralysis? Okay, I don't have that. Lack of coordination? Well, Mr. Z has that in spades, so I'll count that as a "yes."

The thing is, no matter how much the logical explanation makes sense, it's the worst-case scenario that I always cling to. Oh, and did I mention that my grandma's sister had MS? Huh, huh, see?

I don't fucking know. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday to see what he says, which I'm sure will be, "Sorry, Crabbydad, but you've got a bad case of the MS. If I were you, I'd get my things in order. That'll be 200 dollars, please. NEXT!"

The Old Lady has been very patient with me. Believe it or not, I used to be a LOT worse with this kinda shit. During her 21 years with me, she's seen it all -- brain cancer, lockjaw, heart attacks, appendicitis, Boola-boola, Dengue fever, flesh-eating bacteria, SARS... you name it, I've had it. She listens to my complaints and then talks me the fuck down with a lethal combination of bullshit detection and logic. Tonight she said, "Look, we'll probably be together long enough where one day, one of us is going to get something. Maybe you do have MS. Maybe you'll have a brain aneurysm. Maybe I'll get breast cancer and have to have a double mastectomy. We'll just deal with whatever happens. It's very unlikely that we'll both just grow old and die peacefully in our sleep, or say 'Okay' and float off into space like Mr. Magorium."

I think she was trying to make me feel better, which is very sweet of her. Unfortunately, now all I can think about is brain aneurysms.

13 comments:

Innisanimate said...

A. I think The Vitamin B theory should have been 'Thoery B', but thats neither here nor there.

2. I think you can take Vitamin B12 shots that will let you absorb the Vitaminny goodness straight into your keyster (or wherever you choose to poke yourself with the syringe).

Problem Solved. You don't mind shots, do you? ;)

Anonymous said...

well, dud, it could be worse. your acid reflux could have been a sign of esophageal cancer. brain cancer is a much better option! so is MS! so are B12 shots in your ass!

crabbydad said...

Innis, actually 'Theory B' is both here AND there. But thanks for the heads up. And, no, I don't mind shots -- I'd let them shoot it into the tip of my dingus if it'd make my feet stop throbbing. Actually, scratch that. I'll take the keister.

And Rim, you are so right. As a matter of fact, B12 shots in the ass for everyone!!! Skoal!

Crescent said...

http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/common/standard/transform.jsp?requestURI=/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/raynauds_disease.jsp I'm telling you. That is what my sister has. It sounds very fatal and scary but it's not. You need to go to a doctor. I would say to worry about the MS EXCEPT for the bruising thing. That is a classic symptom of a circulation problem. You aren't going to die dude. Not yet at least. I bet you live to be a super old crabby gramps.

Crescent said...

wait the stupid link didn't work.

here. if that doesn't work just look up Raynaud's disease (has nothing to do with nads...don't worry)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/raynauds-disease/DS00433

Monica said...

Official RN here, with another theory. Your hands and feet probably are susceptible to Raynaud's - it's made worse by exposure to cold. That would be the numbness and tingling (aka paresthesia!). However, the "flooding" you describe would be the result of a subsequent vasodilation - and that could be simply being overheated or a number of other triggers, some listed here: Niacin (lotta Fruity Pebbles?), amyl nitrite (poppers, anyone?), THC (if you don't know what this is, I can't help you), theobromine (finished up that stash of Halloween candy all at once?) and last but certainly not least, drugs like Viagra. Just sayin'. PS: Is there any other profession besides Nursing and Sex Offender that has "Registered" in front of it?

Kim said...

There's always the bitchin' sublingual B12 I take three times a week that I buy...




wait for it...



at...






TRADER JOE'S!!!!!

CresceNet said...

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Sarah said...

In case you are wondering if your health has reached international crisis level... with people leaving their good wishes from Brazil... sadly, no.

From my very rudimentary portuguese: Hi. I found your blog on google and I liked the post. I would like to tell you about the CreceNet. The CresceNet is a supplier of internet access (?) that pays users by how long they are connected. From what I can interpret, you can make much money by linking them to your blogroll.

That said, I'm sure that they ONLY have your best interest in mind!

Shannon said...

Hmmm, I am having similar symptoms. Have you considered the possibility that you may be pregnant?

Nah, probably unlikely.

nora said...

Wow. Can't wait to hear the diagnosis. Maybe you can write a script for House.


Can I call your wife when I have the crazy health thoughts? I went to bed the other night thinking, ‘this is it – they’ll find my body when the cat gets so skinny he can crawl under the front door…blah, blah, blah’

matt said...

I'm happy that both Crescent and Crescenet (which I'm assuming is Crescent's evil twin) have weighed in.

If you're experiencing blood pooling issues in your hands and feet I think you're missing the obvious solution here... leeches! They'll clear that extra blood right up.

Crescent said...

don't listen to Crescenet. She's a filthy liar. From Spain.