Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Hut... Hut... HORK!

Well, there's a new fella in the showers over at the Y, and I like to call him "The Hummin' Hocker." Charming gentleman -- he hums as he lathers up his sundries, and every time he gets to the chorus of his tuneless little number, he snargs up some primordial, from-the-toes chest-chum, and then expectorates it out... somewhere.

I've never actually witnessed his lathery-loogie-launch because my back is either turned, or I'm in the process of GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THE GODDAMN SHOWERS SO I DON'T GET SLIMED!! I'm hoping the shithead at least aims for the drain, but I'm not holding my fucking breath -- I'm thinking of trading my flip-flops in for a pair of moon boots... and hip-waders.

I swear to shit, if I ever plant my foot on one of his motherfucking lung-oysters, I will personally rip his upper-respiratory system from his body (through his ass, mind you) and stuff it down the drain myself. And, of course, this dude's a swimmer, so you know his fucking sputum is floating around in that goddamn cesspit of human excre-mung they pass off as a pool.

Okay... I just threw up in my mouth a little. Good thing I just ordered some new swim/shower togs:


Anonymous said...

I swear, Crabby, I keep tellin you, you gotta get your own pool.
Imagine how great it would be to rise early in the morning, the mist still hanging low over the grass, the kids still sleeping in their little beds, and you could dive in, dressed or not, and swim your laps without having to worry about bumping into the kicking feet of the slow swimmer in front of you. No lane sharing, no public shower, no lung-oyster-surfing. I told you this before and I am telling you now - you will not be disappointed if you have a pool installed. And NO, I do not work for any pool companies. I lived in a house once that had a pool, and I helped take care of it - it wasn't that hard.

nora said...

Akkk! Spitting is the grossest thing in the world. Honestly, I cannot even drive over it if I see someone spit out of the window. Yuck. Now I won't be able to sleep.

crabbydad said...

What the shit, Anon? You think I'm made outta chlorine?! Tell you what -- you build the pool and pay for it and I promise I'll swim in it. And as a bonus, I'll let you take care of it. Deal?

And sorry, Nora. Just put the spit out of your mind and think of... bunnies! Little, cute, fluffy bunnies hopping around... hopping over the giant loogies in the street... no, wait... sorry...

Sarah said...

You could get one one of those lap pools in the basement! It is a bit longer than a tub and you swim in place! You only think you're moving!

Another perk? You wouldn't have to commute! You could swim at the office!