Well, the old lady used the "D-word" in front of the spawn.
The day started innocently enough -- we went to Target to buy $100 worth of nothing, and as we parked, we noticed an extremely adorable dog in the SUV next to us. It was curly and caramel colored -- I'm thinking it was some sort of terrier/poodle mix, maybe a Whoodle (Wheaten Terrier + poodle). Although, if it were up to me, it'd be called a "Pooten." We stood there and marveled at how fucking cute it was and its amazingly docile temperament, and went on our way to buy a cart full of "we don't need this."
Then, a couple hours later, out of fucking nowhere, the Old Lady (a notorious feline-supporter) blurts out, "How would you guys like to get a DOG?!!!" What the shit?! Thanks for discussing such a life-altering utterance with the old man, first, woman. Of course, the spawn lost their shit and started doing the "we're getting a dog jig," as I sat there bow-wowldered. What possessed this woman who, a mere 20 or so years ago, took an alarmingly long time to decide between moving in with me, or continuing to live with her evil, me-hating cats.
But there we sat, coming up with potential names for our future third child. Here were their choices:
Mr. Z's Top 3:
3. Mouselet Chamberlain
Miss O's Top 3:
And as we sat there, having this ridiculous conversation, I came to a realization. I love dogs, but I can't stand it when people get dogs and are then never around to hang with them. There are some people down the street who have this great Australian Border Collie that just sits in the fucking driveway, tied to the basketball hoop, all fucking day. This a dog that's bred to chase, I don't know, kangaroos or some weird Australian shit, but it's sitting in the fucking driveway all goddamn day, poor fucker. So, my realization, right. I'm at home all fucking day, sitting in the goddamn basement freezing my affenpinschers off. I have no friends. I never go outside.
A dog would be perfect! An office mate, someone to go out to lunch with and, best of all, a friend. A friend I don't even really have to talk to, or call, or do all that other bullshit you have to do to make/keep real friends. This friend would like me simply because I'd feed it and occasionally pick up its turds in a plastic grocery bag. It would be like being friends with Charles Bukowski.
But shit, a dog. Are we really ready to become a "dog family"? Stained carpets, all the pristine wood floors would get all scratched up, dog sputum on all the furniture, the whole house would smell like dog ass, instead of spawn ass, like it does now. Is that us? Are we they?!
I told the spawn today, "Now, if we were to get a dog, you guys would have to clean up your rooms a lot better. All those tiny Polly Pockets clothes, Miss O, and Mr. Z, all your pens and stuffed animals, they'd have to be put away, 'cuz a dog would chew on all that stuff and could get really sick." There was a momentary silence, followed by Mr. Z saying, "On second thought, maybe we shouldn't get a dog." I'm telling ya, that kid would sell us all into indentured servitude to get out of cleaning his fucking room.
So, will it happen? I don't fucking know. If we can find a legit breeder in this state, it just might. In the meantime, searching the web for pics of Whoodle/Pooten pups sure the fuck isn't helping: