The Shit Heard 'Round the World...

Last night I literally thought the world was ending. The old lady and I were awakened at approximately 3:00 a.m. by the LOUDEST, LONGEST, TURD-IN-YOUR-TROUSERS THUNDER EXPLOSION EVER 'SPLODED!!!! The thing was, we didn't know it was thunder at the time. In all seriousness, the explosion lasted at least five seconds and it was a single, drawn-out boom, not a series of cracks. I actually thought it was a bomb and was waiting for the blinding flash that was going to precede my turning-into-a-skeleton-and-then-dust. We sat there for a couple of minutes repeating, "What the shit was that?! Was that a bomb?! Is the house on fire?! Is that your pee I'm lying in or mine?!"

Of course, the old lady eventually rolled over and zonked right back to sleep. I, on the other hand, was WAY up and wasn't going back down any time soon. I went in to check on the kids, to make sure that they hadn't turned to skeletons and then dust, I went downstairs to see if all the windows had blown out, I looked out the windows to see if I could make out the approaching Russian troops, a la "Red Dawn." Nothing, though I think I may have seen Patrick Swayze rummaging through our recycling. But I couldn't accept that it was just thunder -- it was what thunder would have sounded like if you were listening to thunder from inside the thunder's asshole. I even looked in the mirror to see if my hair had turned white. It really fucked with my head.

I'm telling you, the world is falling apart. It's fucking raining everyday, there's ultra-mega-thunder exploding all over the place, my tomatoes are growing human brains inside of them -- it would really suck if all those rapture people were right. Boy would I have egg on my face if they ascend toward the skies while I sink, covered in open sores and on fire, into the bubbling, primordial ooze.



Of course, it's raining again tonight, and I heard some thunder already. I think I'll just shit in my boxers before climbing into bed so I won't have to bolt up at 3 do it.